


Good Company

by Mother_Mercury



Series: The Good from the Bad [2]
Category: Queen (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Anal Sex, Arguing, Bottom Brian May, Coming Out, Dirty Talk, Domestic Fluff, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Smut, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, Insecure Brian May, Internalized Homophobia, Lack of Communication, Light Angst, M/M, Oral Sex, Past Domestic Violence, Post-Divorce, Top John Deacon, mentions of unheathly relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-29
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:09:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 22,359
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27257722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mother_Mercury/pseuds/Mother_Mercury
Summary: Six months after getting together, Brian is still working on becoming confident in sexuality after getting divorced from his ex-wife. While John is working through the trauma that his abusive ex-husband caused. The two of them lean on each other for support through all the good and bad.
Relationships: Freddie Mercury/Roger Taylor, John Deacon/Brian May
Series: The Good from the Bad [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1990135
Comments: 76
Kudos: 61





	1. Balance

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, I'm back! I didn't think I would write a part two but I'm excited. I really hope you like it!
> 
> I'm planning to update every Wednesday! 
> 
> Find me on Tumblr Mother-mercury44 :)

“Come on, B. Harder,” John begged for the fourth time.

“You sure,” Brian asked, his cheeks turning red in embarrassment as John nodded vigorously.  
  
Brian tightened his grip on John’s hip as he clumsily thrusted into John’s tight heat. He had begged John to do missionary after the younger man asked to bottom tonight and now the pleading look in John’s eyes made him regret this. He knows he probably looks as awkward as he feels. His thrusts are either too shallow or too deep. He’s yet to find his boyfriend's prostate yet no matter how many times he adjusts his angle. Topping never goes right for him and to be honest he doesn’t care much for it. While John doesn’t ask to bottom often, Brian finds himself dreading the rare occasions he wants to bottom.

Which is how they have ended up here with a frustrated John and flustered Brian. Both far away from their orgasms.

“Better?” Brian asked, picking up speed. He lost his rhythm as he gained speed. “I don’t know what-. I just-. Deaky, please.”

The older man slowly pulled out and leaned back on his heels while John leaned on elbows and smiled kindly at him. A smile an adult gives a child after they have failed to tie their own shoes. Brian tends to forget that he is four years older than his boyfriend. John carries himself in such a mature way when it comes to being in a serious gay relationship. In a way that, Brian can’t help but feel envious of his lover. He can only hope to one eventually be as confident and self assured as the younger man. 

“It’s okay, B,” John smiled, sitting up and reaching for Brian’s arm. 

“I’m sorry,” Brian said with his face in his hands. “It’s not you, I just don’t get the same enjoyment when topping and I can tell this doesn’t feel any good for you.”

“I don’t mind, I really don’t,” John said in a soothing voice. “I just thought maybe you wanted to switch it up. You know I love being inside you, so come on let’s switch.”

The two met in the middle for a heated kiss, Brian let John plunge his tongue into his mouth. Something about giving John all the power and control always makes him feel so safe and cared for. Something Brian didn’t know was missing from his life. Now that he has found what was missing, he craves it everyday. 

After they parted, Brian took the condom off his cock and situated himself on the bed as John searched for another condom and the bottle of lube. The younger man sat between his legs and Brian immediately wrapped his legs around John’s waist and nudged his lower back with his foot.

“Come on,” Brian moaned. “I’m still open from this morning, need you inside me.”

“Oh you absolute pillow princess,” John playfully teased. “You’re lucky I can’t resist your tight arse, B. Though I would love to finger you still, I think my cock might fall off if we wait any longer.”

Before Brian could come up with a playful and sassy remark, John nudged his hole with his thick cock. John pressing into him is always a welcoming stretch, the initial pain fades away quickly and is replaced with absolute pleasure. Pleasure that is shown in the form of flushed from cheeks to cock. The younger man always teases him by pushing in at painfully slow pace while stroking his cock at an even slower pace. Driving Brian wild with ecstasy. With his back arched off the bed and his eyes squeezed shut, Brian still isn’t satisfied until he feels John’s heavy balls resting against his arse.

So John can tease him about being pillow princess all he wants, Brian wouldn’t want it any other way. Though the younger man teases him, Brian knows all too well John adores it.

“How are you doing, love?”

Brian is all too well aware of the dopey closed eyed smile he’s giving. “Really good.”

“You look absolutely beautiful stuffed with me cock,” John huffed out. “I’m gonna move now.”

The older man nodded with his eyes still closed. He felt one of John’s hands on his cock grab a hold of his cock and stroke in time with his thrusts. His slow teasing thrust. Brian only opened his eyes so he could use them to beg the younger man to go faster. His silent plea was accompanied by wanton moans. 

“Come on Deaky,” Brian whined. “Please.”

“Since you asked so sweetly,” John said pretending it was a chore to give it to his boyfriend faster. 

Brian helped John hitch his own legs higher and spread them apart just a tad bit more. The younger man cocks fills up even more this way and it helps get Brian’s lengthy legs out of the way. John started thrusting harder, switching between long and short thrusts. Always keeping Brian on the edge. John’s gentle praise and loving words mixed with his exquisite dirty talk, always leave Brian’s cock leaking against his own stomach. Maybe it’s cos John is the only the second person he’s had sex with and the only male, but John is easily the best sex of his life. He never knew it could feel this good before.

“Come on, B. Touch yourself,” John grunted into his neck. “Come on my cock. Be good for me and come all over yourself.”

It didn’t take more than a few strokes before Brian was doing just what his lover asked him to do. His back arched off the bed as he squeezed around John’s cock, seeing nothing but stars behind his eyes. John’s pace never faltered, fucking him through his orgasm. Once Brian came to and opened his eyes, John attacked his mouth. Plunging his tongue deep inside and swirling their tongues together. 

“M’close too,” John panted once the kiss broke. “So fucking close, B.”

Brian was too spaced out from his own orgasm to notice John coming. It was only when the thrust had stopped and John collapsed on top of him that Brian was brought back down to Earth. The room fell silent except for the sound of them catching their breath and John kissing his neck. John slowly pulled out and off of him. Brian watched the older man fish around for towel or something to use for cleaning up.

“That was incredible,” John said, climbing back into bed with a cloth. “So bloody good every single time.”

“Thank you for switching. I really am sorry about it,” Brian said looking up at the ceiling as John wiped his abdomen off. “I just really prefer to bottom.”

“I know you do,” John said sweetly. “I just thought you would like a break now and again. But don’t worry, I will gladly give it to you every single time. Don’t threaten me with a good time.”

Brian smiled and hummed happily as his boyfriend cleaned up the mess on his stomach. Something about being taken care of like this sends shock waves through his heart. John’s always takes such good care of him, in and out the bedroom. Brian isn’t entirely sure how he got so lucky to have him as a boyfriend. The younger man tossed the dirty cloth in the general direction of the laundry basket and sighed. John looked up at him from his place up against the headboard and stared down at him with an all too familiar face.

“Come one,” Brian begged, reaching his arms out to John. “Stay one more night.”

Brian pulled his lover down on the bed and laid his head on the younger man's chest, taking in his scent and the sound of his heart beating. 

“B,” John said sweetly, running a hand through Brian’s curls. “I’ve been here for nearly a week. I have to go home for at least a couple nights. Then you could come by my flat for a few days.”

“I’m not listening to Freddie and Roger fuck six times a day,” Brian interrupted. 

“I know, it’s quite obnoxious,” John admitted. “Plus, I like staying by your flat and playing house with you.”  
  
Brian always has to bite his tongue whenever John staying over gets brought up. He knows his big, dumb mouth might blurt out that he should just move in. And while Brian very much would love to have his boyfriend move in, he doesn’t think John wants too just yet. They’ve only been together for six months and John talks too much about always wanting to pay his half for everything. John wouldn’t be able to afford half the rent at Brian’s flat, even though Brian wouldn’t take a cent from he knows John would insist on paying. Not wanting to get stuck on relying on his partner to pay everything for him. He understands where John is coming from, he just wishes the younger man didn’t feel this way.

“I’m always up for house,” Brian said smiling while sitting up on the bed and stretching his limbs. “Maybe next time you can bring some stuff to keep here that way we can avoid laundry every other day.”

John followed him and also sat up. “Like a permanent toothbrush and a drawer or two of clothes that will have a permanent residence here at your flat?”

“Yes,” Brian said carefully. “If you want too.”

“I like that,” John grinned. “I think it’s about time to take that next step anyway.”

Brian leaned over and gently kissed the younger man's lips, letting one hand fall to his hip to rub circles into it. While he would rather much have his boyfriend move in completely, this will have to do for now. Small little steps in the right direction.  
  
“I should get going,” John said after he broke the kiss. 

“Let’s put some clothes on and I’ll take you home,” Brian whispered into his lips. 

Getting ready to bring John home is possibly the worst part of John staying with him. They both work to collect John’s things that have been spread throughout the flat over the course of his visit. He gets so used to having him and his empty mugs on the bedside locker around that he starts to miss both of those things the day after John leaves. He misses waking up to the sound of John cooking them breakfast. He misses the way John’s smile and laughter brightens up his flat. He really misses kissing John goodnight.

Brian is fully aware that when John leaves, he’ll be back within four days. He knows it might make him pathetic that he can’t be away from his lover. He just doesn’t care. Especially when he knows John misses him just as much.

The drive over to John and Freddie’s flat always seems shorter on the way to drop him off. That only makes Brian want to prolong their goodbye even more.

“Tomorrow would you want to meet me during my lunch?” John asked, grabbing Brian’s hand and holding it tight. 

“Of course,” Brian smiled, bringing their intertwined hands up to his mouth to kiss John’s knuckles. “I’ll drop you off tomorrow too.”

Brian would give John his car in a heartbeat. Or buy him one. But he knows John holds onto his independence with a death grip. 

“I can walk,” John stated with an eye roll that was far from being serious. 

“It’s February, I’m not-”

“Fine,” John said, throwing up his hands playfully. “I’ll see you tomorrow around 3:30?

“Of course, I love you,” Brian said with a big smile since he won. 

Brian wrapped John up in his arms so tight he could hear John’s back crack a few times. He’s never admitted it out loud to, but a part of him is convinced that if he doesn’t hug John this tight that he might float away from him. It’s silly and doesn’t make sense, but Brian supposes that’s the way love works. Just as the way that John always insists on holding his hand whenever he has a free hand. Maybe they’re both a little afraid to lose each other. Maybe it’s a silent way of saying “I’m here and I promise I’m not going anywhere”.

“I love you, B,” John whispered into his neck. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

The hug lasted only a few seconds after before they broke apart, only to give each other one last kiss. Brian jumped out of the car to open up the passenger door and help John out. He waited until John was inside the building to drive away, his heart just a teeny bit sad from missing John already.

That night in bed, Brian aimlessly scrolled through Instagram. Admittedly, his news feed has been quite different since divorcing from Chrissie. He deleted most people and the people he didn’t delete, deleted him. Those people have been replaced by Freddie, Roger, and a few of his work friends, making his news feed much more interesting than it has ever been before. It wasn’t much different tonight than it usually is, mostly Freddie spamming Instagram with him modeling outfits. 

An update that John tagged him in a photo made him raise an eyebrow. It was a picture that John took of the two from a few days ago with the caption “Rainy days are brighter with you :)”. John was resting up against him as they laid on the couch together, his boyfriend looking absolutely adorable. It’s quite a lovely photo, Brian thought. Their smiles are so genuine and John’s eye crinkles made Brian’s heart flutter. They look like boyfriends, which they are. It’s just that neither of them have discussed going public on social media. Or maybe it was just Brian who is hesitant to post his boyfriend. They never went public on Facebook but then again Brian rarely uses it anymore. He’s sure his relationship status is married or divorced still. 

Brian wishes he was more confident with his sexuality but his coming out didn’t go over so well with his wife and everyone. The pain and embarrassment still is fresh in his brain. He’s convinced that anyone who sees him and John holding hands is disgusted with them and saying harsh comments about them. People in the city are more open minded than his old small town but he still worries. He doesn’t want to be chased out of another city. He doesn’t think he’ll be able to survive that again. He had stopped himself before he could spiral out of control with his own thoughts and overthinking by taking a peak at the comments.

You look so happy, Deaky! This bloke better treat you right or I swear

Who's the new lad??? 

I didn’t know Brian’s Gay, congrats to you two though!! 

Lovely photo :)

He double tapped the photo and made a mental note to casually bring this up to John tomorrow on his lunch break. 

-

Brian waited at a small cafe down the street from the small electronics shop John works at. The younger man only gets 45 minutes for lunch so Brian went early to order their food so they have more time to eat together. He already knows John is going to spend over 10 minutes trying to give the few pounds for the sandwich he ordered. To save both of them some time, Brian plans on taking it today only to use it to buy him a sandwich tomorrow.

“Brian.”

The curly haired man looked up from his salad and saw one of his old co workers standing in front of him.

“Hi Adam,” Brian said smiling. “How are you doing?” He stood up to shake the bloke's hand.

“Good. Good,” Adam answered. “Settling in pretty well at the new school so I can’t complain. Yourself?”

Brian gave him an update on how things have been going. He let Adam know their boss still wears outrageously deep v-necks. They chatted back and forth for a few minutes before John walked into the cafe and over to two of them looking utterly adorable in his hat, mittens, and with a red nose.

“Hi B,” John said, kissing Brian on the cheek before removing his hat and mittens. “Hi, I’m John, Brian’s boyfriend.”

Brian’s face flushed with embarrassment. He is by no means embarrassed by John. He’s never been the biggest lover of PDA, not even when he was with Chrissie for all those years. Things with Chrissie always felt forced, Brian now knows that it had everything to do with him being Gay. Even now that he’s with John, Brian still feels iffy about showing affection in front of people. People who don’t already know he is Gay. People like Adam and every other stranger on the street or in the shops or pubs. This is something he knows he needs to get over but getting over it requires him talking to John about it.

“Adam. Nice to meet you,” Adam replied kindly as the two shook hands. “Well I’ll let you two eat. It was great seeing you, Brian. And wonderful meeting you, John.”

They all shook hands one last time before Adam left and the two men finally took a seat together. He knew his cheeks were still red from earlier and John wasn’t going to let it slide.

“What’s wrong? You got a crush on him or something,” John teased biting into his sandwich. 

“You kissed me in front of him,” Brian said, not meeting John’s eyes. “I’m just not into PDA.”

John held up a finger as he chewed the two large bites of food in his mouth. The younger man tends to inhale his lunch quickly so he can sip on tea and chat with Brian for the rest of his lunch break. Wanting to get the hard part over, Brian decided to just go ahead and bite the bullet.

“I’m not out to everyone like you are,” Brian admitted, using his fork to pick at his salad. “I realized I was Gay, I left town, started a new life in London, and then I met you. That’s my story. I accept my sexuality. I love who I am and I love you. I want to kiss you in public and let everyone know we love each other but I just need some time before I am as confident as you are.”

“So you’re not embarrassed of me?” John said with a chuckle. The younger man managed to finish his sandwich and chips in the time Brian used to spill his heart out. “All this time I’ve been worried you thought you could do better or didn’t want people to know you were dating me cos I’m me.”

John reached across the table and grabbed his hand, a small part in Brian’s mind shouted ‘pull away’ but he didn’t. Going against that voice was a small victory and his reward was John’s blinding smile. Brian was so worried about his own issues and being such a selfish tit, he didn’t stop to think how John might be feeling towards Brian’s lack of PDA and posting on social media. That John might be feeling unwanted and unloved. Feeling like he’s back with his ex. Minus the mental and physical abuse.

Be better, Brian thought to himself. 

“People look at us and probably wonder why an Angel like you in with a troll like me,” Brian joked, squeezing John’s hand and meaning every word. “I love you, Deaky. I’m gonna get better, just you wait. You won’t be able to stop me from kissing you in a crowded room.”

“I can’t wait,” John smiled. “I love you, B.”

Brian picked up their hands and kissed John’s knuckles in the slightly crowded cafe, making John giggle. The two men sipped on a few too many cups of tea as they chatted about how much John hates his job and wants to have a career instead. The issue with finding a new job is finding one close enough to walk or close enough to take public transport without it adding an extra hour to his commute. Brian doesn’t bother to bring up that he’d help him out with rides to and from. They discussed places close enough that he should apply to and John made a list in his phone. 

John insisted on ordering a few sweets and paying for them since Brian paid for their lunch. Brian put up a pretend fight to mock John, who only stuck his tongue out and blew a kiss from his place in line.

Wanting to bring up the Instagram post was on his mind as the two of them shared their sweets though Brian made the choice to not bring it up. They already tackled one issue and he didn’t want John to feel as if he can’t show their love. He didn’t need John feeling insecure or unloved and Brian didn’t feel like having to explain his anxieties over being out on social media. Plus their lunch was going so well, why bother ruining it?

As quickly as John arrived, he had to return back to work. Brian walked John back, the two of them holding hands on the busy London street. He blocked out the intrusive thoughts of what he thought others might be thinking of him with the enormous smile plastered on John’s face. The taller man was so high on love, he didn’t think twice before kissing John on the lips outside of the younger man’s place of work.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John moves some things into Brian's flat and Brian gets insecure (big surprise right?).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, a week late but that's okay!
> 
> Hope you like it.
> 
> FInd me on Tumblr @ mother-mercury44

Brian wouldn’t say he counts down the minutes until he has to pick up John. The days itself aren’t that bad but the last day is all for counting down the seconds. He hasn’t seen John in quite a few days due to the younger man’s work schedule and Brian misses him. John brings a certain liveliness to Brian’s home. Without John, his flat seems awfully large and less homey when he’s alone. He’s cleaned the flat twice this afternoon, emptied a few drawers in the bedroom, and moved things around so there’s space in the closet and bathroom for John’s things. While the younger man is only bringing over a few things, Brian still thinks it’s a big step for them.

John’s never been one to leave anything at his flat, the younger man even insists on traveling with a toothbrush every time he stays over. Brian had mentioned the first few times that he should just leave one there but John shut down that conversation just as quickly as Brian brought it up. 

So to say Brian is excited about John moving some of his belongings in is the understatement of the year. 

After a quick once over of the flat, Brian left to pick up John. He always left a bit early, always excited to see John and he likes having some time to chat with Freddie and Roger. The couple have truly embraced him as a friend and as John’s boyfriend. Brian doesn’t think it would go over well if either of them thought he wasn’t good enough for John. He found two amazing friends through John. He knew it wasn’t the best idea to make most of his friends through his lover again, he learned from his marriage that it wasn’t a good idea. But he didn’t mind it, the two seem to love him almost as much as they love John. 

Which is why Brian wasn’t surprised when he knocked on his boyfriends shared flat door that Freddie dragged him into the flat.

“Oh thank God,” Freddie dramatically sighed as he hugged the taller man. “Roger is trying to force me to eat the dinner he prepared. Now I don’t have to do it alone.”

Brian detached himself from Freddie’s grip with a laugh. The older man is very much for the theatrics of life.

“John’s not home yet?”

“He had to stay just a bit later. Someone had car trouble or something,” Freddie said taking Brian’s coat and tossing it on the couch. “So you can taste some of Blondie’s food with me.”

Brian let the other man drag him into the kitchen, Roger greeting them with a ‘kiss the cook’ apron on and the kitchen smelling of burnt food. The blond was fixing the plates of food that didn’t look all that terrible but most definitely did not look promising. Brian took a seat at the table with Freddie, the older man poured himself a glass and Brian politely declined.

“It’s eggplant Parmesan,” Roger smiled as he set the three plates on the table. “My first time cooking this so please don’t be too terrible with the reviews.”

“Smells great, Rog,” Brian sort of lied before tasting some of it.

Roger sat like an eager child waiting for Freddie and himself to review the dinner he cooked up. Brian didn’t think it was terrible, just lacking some flavor. Freddie on the other hand did a worse job of hiding his dislike on his face. 

“So what do you think?”

“Darling,” Freddie said reaching his hand out for Roger’s. “It’s okay, you’re too beautiful. You never had to cook for yourself.”

Brian felt a pang of jealousy hit as he watched their hands intertwine with each other. Their movements seem so natural and in tune with each other, granted they’ve been together a bit longer than he and John. Neither of them seem to care that Brian was seated at the table, not that anything scandalous was happening. Yet Brain felt as if he was watching something so intimate in front of him, he focused on his plate. Eating another bite so he had something to focus on rather than the couple at the table. 

“Could use a bit more flavor,” Brian said with kindness and honesty. “It’s actually pretty good for your first time cooking it. You should experiment with different spices and other ingredients.”

The couple looked at Brian, Freddie raising an eyebrow and Roger smiling at Brian and mouthing ‘thank you’. Their hands never left each other.

“Don’t lie to him, Brimi,” Freddie teased while sticking his tongue out Brian. 

“I’m serious,” Brian said sincerely. “Cooking is hard and takes practice.”

“Well maybe you and John could teach us a thing or two,” Roger said, pointing his fork at Brian.

“We’ll set up a double date and you two can host cooking lessons,” Freddie smiled before leaning over to kiss Roger’s cheek. “Oh it’ll be lovely, darlings.”

Freddie immediately started planning their double date, already discussing outfits and décor ideas. Brian likes to think that Freddie wanted an event to plan and has no interest in learning to cook. Unlike Roger who listened with open ears as Brian gave his recommendations on how to make this dish a bit more tasty. 

There was never a time, even in the beginning, that Brian dreaded being alone with Freddie and Roger. The conversation never seemed to stop or have any awkward pauses. There was never an intrusive thought that popped into Brian’s mind that either of these two men disliked him. That was due to the unconditional love they showed him with their words and actions. He’s not surprised one bit, the love these two show John is incredible. The love Freddie and Roger have for each other is something truly out of a fairy tale. He’s never seen two people who radiate loves like these two.

Brian likes to think Freddie and Roger are soulmates. He can only hope those two think the same about him and John.

“So, John seems really excited about moving some of his belongings into your flat,” Roger said nudging his elbow with Brian’s. “Things are really blossoming with you two. Makes me happy to see John so happy.”

“John spends more time at your place than he does here,” Freddie chimed in. “Not that I’m complaining, it’s nice being able to get up to some naughty business with my Roggie in the-”

“Fred,” Roger interrupted before the older man could go into any graphic details. The blond gestured for Brian to continue.

“I love having John around. Even when he’s there we’ll sometimes do our own things,” Brian smiled. “I figured it was time to take that next step. Deaky is very keen on making sure it’s known he’s not moving in. Though I would have no objection to him partially moving in, but he’s not ready for that and I’m not going to push him. He just makes me so unbelievably be happy, so I don’t want to do anything that would screw any of this up. You know?”

Brian’s never been one to admit it out loud to John or himself, but he’s terrified. Terrified to lose John. Terrified to push the younger man. Terrified that he’s not experienced enough. Terrified his own insecurities will be the cause of the downfall of their relationship. He wouldn’t even know how to get the words out to explain this to John. Being able to express his feelings and his wants has never come easy to him. Anytime he tries to get any words out, they either spew out like word vomit or the words stumble incoherently out of his mouth. 

“I don’t know how you could mess this up with Deaky,” Freddie said with a smile that fell quickly. “Unless you act like his ex-husband.”

“Then in that case, I would have have to murder you,” Roger added.

None of the three men heard the front door open, but they all jumped when the door closed shut. 

“Why are you murdering my boyfriend?” John asked as he removed his winter gear and toed off his shoes.

Brian knows he should get up and greet his boyfriend with a hug and kiss. But he felt as if his bum was glued to the chair with the other couple in the room. He knows if there is anywhere in the world he should feel comfortable kissing his boyfriend, it’s right here in this flat in front of this couple.

“He said my Roggie’s food wasn’t that good,” Freddie lied, winking at Brian.

“Well you better dig two graves cos I bet he’s right,” John laughed as he walked over to Brian, planting a kiss on his lips. “Thank you for putting up with these two goons while you waited for me.”

“You’re cold,” Brian said into John’s lips. The older man felt a bit frozen from the kiss. 

“Maybe you can warm me up later,” John laughed, rubbing his cold hands on Brian’s face.

Brian found himself blushing like a school boy with John’s playfully flirting. He knows he could have easily made a flirtatious comment back, John would have loved that and Freddie would have eaten it up. Instead, he chose to kiss John’s cold hands. Earning himself a blinding smile from John.

Next time, Brian thought to himself. 

-

Brian couldn’t contain the smile on his face as John unpacked the two bags he brought over to Brian’s. John putting away his briefs and socks into Brian’s drawers brought the older man an incredible amount of joy. He could watch his boyfriend hang up his shirts for hours. He didn’t even care that John took up most of the room in his wardrobe. Watching John set up his toiletries in his bathroom made Brian smile like an idiot. A small part of him felt terrible for barely being able to listen to John as he spoke about his day at work.

Especially when John caught on he wasn’t listening.

“Bri,” John said, bringing him back down to Earth. “I know my work isn’t the most exciting but you could at least pretend to listen.” 

“Sorry, Deaky,” Brian said sincerely. “I’m over the moon right now.”

“I can tell,” John teased. “You haven’t stopped smiling since we left my flat.”

Brian moved him to his place in the doorway to wrap John up tightly in his arms. He smelled John’s shampoo and let out an audible sigh. Something about hugging John made him forget about all of his insecurities for a moment. He always feels a little more at peace around John. A little more whole.

“I love you,” Brian said into John’s hair.

“I love you,” John parroted back. “I can’t finish unpacking if you don’t let go of me.”

“Eh let’s finish it later. I’m starving,” Brian said, letting the younger man out of his arms. “I’ll make us dinner and you can tell me again all about your day.”

John sat on the counter sipping his wine as Brian prepped them a quick dinner. Brian listened this time around as John complained about his job, a repeating topic these days. Brian listened and gave his usual advice that John should apply to new jobs. The younger man gave him the usual dismissive hand wave. It’s not that Brian minded listening to John complain, it’s more about John deserving to be happy. 

And John’s current job makes him anything but happy.

“Alright no more work talk during dinner,” John said as Brian placed their plates on the table. “Looks incredible, B.”

Brian poured them each a glass of wine to complete their table setup before taking a seat next to John with a smile. It became a bit of a tradition that Brian cooks dinner and John cooks breakfast. Mostly cos John is an early riser and if they relied on Brian getting up and cooking breakfast it wouldn’t happen until nearly the afternoon. But Brian makes it a point to be an early riser on the days John is over.

“Wait don’t eat,” John said quickly, reaching for his phone. “I want to take a photo of you and our dinner. Smile.”

The older man smiled for the photo and John smiled back at him. Brian’s never been one that likes to be photographed, but he’ll sit and pose for a million photos a day for John.

“Perfect,” John said as he inspected the photo.

“Are you posting that?”

“Yeah,” John said looking up from his phone. “Is that okay?”

Brian took a large sip of wine to ignore answering his boyfriend. There has never been a more perfect time to bring this up, but as usual Brian struggles to get any sort of words out. He knows the words have to come out in a way that doesn’t leave any room for interpretation. He doesn’t want John thinking he’s embarrassed to be with him. 

“It’s just that I don’t post you so it looks weird,” Brian blurted out.

Smooth.

“It’s been six months, Brian. Not six days,” John said firmly. “I like posting pictures of my life and you’re an important part of my life.”

John’s face held the same level of irritation it has when Roger and Freddie refuse to clean up after themselves in the public areas of their shared flat. A quite terrifying look that Brian has never been on the receiving end of. He and John have yet to have an actual fight so far and Brian has tried to keep it that way. He’s never been one for arguments and John has the power to kill a man with only two sentences. 

“We just never discussed going public on social media,” Brian explained, not helping himself at all.  
  
Even better.

“Oh okay,” John spat. “So are we not actually dating? We simply say we’re boyfriends, sleep together, say I love you, and do everything boyfriends do. But we’re not boyfriends? That makes sense.”

“John-”

“So what are we? Tell me Brian,” John said through his teeth. “Cos I can’t kiss you in public without you acting like you turned to stone. I can’t post you on social media without you acting like you’re still married or something. I’m not going to be treated like I’m your secret boyfriend or have you be ashamed of our relationship.” 

Brian stood up from his seat at the table, afraid a nasty fight might start if he yells the first thing that comes to mind. Making Deaky afraid of him. Afraid he might slam his fist on the table in frustration, making the younger man flinch in fear. He opted to take a walk to the sink and splashed cold water on his face. Had he known his simple question would have brought them here, he would have simply not asked. Maybe it’s something that needed to happen so these things could be said. Brian has his own feelings he wants to put on the table and from John’s words, he can tell his lover does too.

“I’m sorry,” John said sincerely from his place at the table. “That was awful of me to say after you just opened up to me.”

Hearing those two words from John’s caused Brian to give himself whiplash as he looked at his boyfriend. Over the last six months, Brian doesn’t think he’s even heard John say ‘I’m sorry’, except for the time ‘misfired’.

Brian leaned against the counter and crossed his arms over his chest. “Yeah, that was a bit rude,” Brian said with a bit more sass than he probably should have. He uncrossed his arms, relaxed his shoulders, and took a deep breath. “I know it’s not a big deal to you. But the last time I was openly gay to the general public, I was chased out of town. They casted their stones and shamed me for me. When you post photos of us and kiss me in public, all these nasty and intrusive thoughts pop in. I think people are saying the worst about me, that I’m gonna lose my job, and have to pack up and leave again. I’m working through it, but I need you to give me a minute.”

John shot up from his seat and bee lined for Brian. If John wasn’t so against violence, Brian would have thought he was going to get hit. Instead, his face was cupped by John’s hands and John’s lips crashed into his. It was only a brief fight but it made Brian feel so far away from John. 

“You take a minute,” John said into the kiss. “You take all the time you need, B. You’ve been so patient with me all this time and I’ve haven’t been giving you the same treatment back. I’ve been a wanker for no reason.”

“Nah,” Brian said, pulling away to kiss John’s forehead. “I’m not good with saying how I feel. I like to keep everything bottled up and then blow up by cheating on my wife by snogging some lad in the loo.”

John playfully pushed Brian away from him with a chuckle. Brian’s never been one to stay serious for too long, not hearing John laugh or seeing him smile for a hot minute makes his heart ache in ways he cannot describe. It’s not the most effective way to solve things, but this isn’t a black and white issue. Brian knows he isn’t going to magically get over everything after one fight. So it’ll have to work for now.

“You could get better with communicating,” John said, kissing Brian’s chest. “I can’t read you mind. I need to be more patient. I will be more patient with and for you.”

“We’re a work in progress,” Brian smiled. “Now let’s finish eating so I can ride you on the couch.”

John squeezed his arse firmly before Brian dragged them both to the table. They washed the cold food down with a bottle and a half of wine. The giggles increased as the wine decreased and neither of them finished their food. Brian cheekily grinned as he grabbed John’s hand, dragging them both to the living room. Clothes shed along the way between, leaving a trail from the table to the couch. 

The worries and insecurities seemed so far away once he found himself completely impaled on John’s cock. Letting out a content little sigh as John started to rock up into him.

-

The next morning, Brian woke up before John and decided to cook them breakfast. Since his boyfriend doesn’t like to waste a minute of the day, he woke up soon after Brian started cooking.

“Hey,” John yawned as he padded his way into the kitchen. “That’s my job.”  
  
“It is,” Brian smiled, pointing the spatula at John. “But it’s my treat this morning.”

Brian turned back to the stove, not wanting the pancakes to burn. He heard the shutter click off of the camera and turned to see a cheeky John smiling.

“I have to document you being up before 8,” John grinned. “We don’t know the next time this will happen.”

“Haha. Very Funny.”

The happiness on John’s face was overwhelming as he continued to have a photo shoot of Brian. Even recording a video at one point with some dry commentary. Brian found himself smiling and laughing the entire time, making the whole getting up early thing worth it.

“You can post those,” Brian said as he grabbed the silverware. “I don’t mind. I- I want you to.”

“B,” John said, slightly dragging the nickname out. “Don’t do it just to make me happy.”

Brian grabbed John’s hand and kissed his knuckles. “I love you, Deaky. I’m okay with it,” Brian smiled. “We can even make it ‘Facebook official'.”

“Yeah?”

“You’re gonna have to do it for me,” Brian laughed. “I don’t know how to do any of that.”

John kissed his cheek before darting off to the bedroom. “I’m gonna do it right now,” John shouted from the bedroom.

Brian wants to show everyone he is proud of his relationship, even if he is slightly nervous about what the outcome could be. But the love and happiness radiating from John has the power to block any and all intrusive thoughts that may be trying to make their way through Brian’s mind now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know if you like it!
> 
> Any kudos and comments are appreciated. 
> 
> Thank you for reading, makes me happy.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brian and John celebrate their first Valentine's Day as a couple and John opens up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, well, well. Look who decided to update. 
> 
> Sorry it's been a while, life is getting rough and the sun sets at 4:45 so I'm ~sad~.
> 
> Find me on tumblr Mother-mercury44
> 
> Hope you like it! :)

“I thought teaching you two how to cook actually involved you two cooking,” Brian joked. “Not me cooking while you two hog all the wine.”

“Oh hush you,” Roger said, pouring more wine into Brian’s glass. “The two of us would either burn the food or the flat down. Neither of those sound pleasant.”

Brian hummed in agreement before he went back to cooking. He explained what he was doing and Roger won’t down notes, he seemed to care more than Freddie. 

Today wasn’t much different than any other Friday. Brian was at John and Freddie’s flat while they waited for John to come home from work. Usually Roger cooked a simple dinner or they ordered takeaway but today was a bit different. It’s Valentine’s day; Brian and John’s first Valentine's day together. Brian originally had reservations at a rather romantic restaurant but he had to cancel those when John explained he had to work late. Not for a second does Brian believe that John is actually working late. He is almost positive the younger man is using this as a ruse to stop Brian from planning something over the top. The two of them agreed on a theme of simple and no gifts for Valentine’s day. The two of them meaning John stood his ground and refused to change his mind.

It makes Brian’s heart a wee bit sad knowing that John’s choice of simple and no gifts comes from his lack of money and not his lack of love for the holiday or Brian.

So to please his lover, he made a quick stop at the shops before cooking up a Valentine’s dinner for the four of them. Brian knew all too well he couldn’t get away with not cooking for the other couple. Which helped keep the plans for today simple, since it’s hard to go over the top with a romantic holiday when another couple is present. 

“So..” Freddie said. “Are you two love birds planning on spending the night here?”

Brian shook his head. “Deaky has the weekend off,” Brian explained. “He said he wants to vacation at my flat for the holiday weekend.”

In another world, Brian would have loved to book them one of those cheesy love suits you see in the movies with a heart shaped tub and cheap champagne they charge way too much for. But this isn’t another world and he doesn’t fancy putting John into a mood by going against what they agreed on. 

“What gifts did get him?” Roger shouted, his cheeks red from the wine. “Something naughty? Something tacky and cute? Something expensive? For our first Valentine’s day together, Fred made me one of those naughty coupon books. You know, good for one blowjob and other sexy things.”

“Roger bought a necklace with his name on it,” Freddie smiled, as he showed the necklace around his neck. “Cocky little thing but I love it. Haven’t taken it off since.”

Brian watched his two friends share one of their more friendly kisses. John must have told them that they can’t suck face in front of Brian. For being the youngest, John sure does run the show. 

“We agreed on no gifts this year,” Brian said sheepishly. “That was until I was getting my watch fixed at the jewelers and I found this set of rings. Totally his style and I bought them, not thinking about giving them to him for Valentine’s day. But even if I hold on for a few weeks he’ll assume it’s a Valentine’s day gift. So I figure why bother waiting to give it to him?”

“He’ll love them,” Roger smiled. “He’ll be a complete arse and pout but he’ll love them nonetheless.”

“I love him but it can be so frustrating to love him sometimes,” Brian sighed. “I understand why he stands his ground on his independence and I respect and encourage it. I just want us to get to a point where I can buy him coffee and he doesn’t think he owes me.”

John seems to keep a mental record on exactly how much he has to repay Brian for simple things like coffee or the few pounds Brian gives him for public transport when John has no cash. John always repays him in money or by getting the next coffee. It’s not for the right reasons. It’s not I’ll get this time and you get it next time. Brian knows that John doesn’t want anyone to be able to hold anything over his head, like his ex-husband did. Brian has explained that two people who love each other owe each other nothing. No matter how many times he says or how he phrases it, John still won’t take his word for it. The older man knows it has nothing to do with John not trusting him and everything to do with his ex.

Everything about their relationship is a work in progress. That doesn't mean Brian doesn’t want to murder John’s ex any less.

“I think it’s hard for John since he lost his factory job,” Freddie explained. “He doesn’t make enough to allow him to really have any extra spending money. Hopefully he comes back from this interview today with good news.”

“Fred,” Roger shouted, hitting the other man’s arm playfully. “Deaky told us not to say anything in case he didn’t get it.”

The two men bickered back and forth and Brian pretended to busy himself in the food. He doesn’t understand why John didn’t say anything to him, the younger man always tells him everything. Not to make it about himself, but Brian can’t help but feel a bit hurt that John didn’t tell him.

John has known Freddie and Roger longer, so maybe friendship trump's relationship. Brian knows that all too well from Chrissie’s friends siding with her after he ruined their marriage.

“Brimi,” Freddie cooed. “What’s with the face?”

“I think I over cooked the veg,” Brian lied, turning the heat off the stove. 

Brian is fully aware he’s not good at hiding and concealing his emotions, he’s just glad the other two aren’t going to call him out for it. So the three of them went on chatting on about anything other than John and the interview he hid from Brian. The thought still sat in the front on his mind, not allowing him to give 100% of his attention to Freddie and Roger.

Dinner finished cooking and the three men had finished two bottles of wine just as John walked through the door. An uncomfortable silence fell over the room and John removed his winter gear. The three of them watched from the kitchen table. There was a rather large elephant in the room and Brian knew not to say something now. 

“I told Brian on accident,” Freddie admitted. “So just give us the news now!”

John walked over to Brian and the two met in the middle for a kiss. “Happy Valentine’s Day, B,” John said before taking a seat next to Brian. “You bloody lushes. Looks like I’m driving to your flat.”  
  
Brian’s cheeks warmed up even more from the kiss and his mind short circuited. Not allowing him to say anything back. The three of them stared at him and started to very casually eat the steak on his plate.

“Oh right,” John teased. “I got the job. I start Tuesday.”

As gracefully as one could, Brian jumped out of his chair and picked John up. He didn’t think twice about cupping John’s bum with his hands or shoving his tongue down John’s throat. All he thought about was how unbelievably proud and happy he is for his lover. 

“Congratulations,” Brian said breathlessly. “So bloody proud of you.” 

“Thanks, B. You’re not mad I didn’t tell you,” John asked carefully.

“No but I’d like to talk about that later,” Brian said kindly as he put John back on the ground.

The other two men gave their congratulations and hugs before the four of them sat down for their dinner. John explained all the new bits of his job. Everything from his hours and benefits to the different day to day tasks. It didn’t go unnoticed when John mentioned it would be a long commute using public transport. It made Brian’s heart ache knowing that John won’t accept using Brian’s car, but he can’t do anything but continue to offer it.

Brian’s never seen John speak about with such passion. It makes heart absolutely swoon for John knowing that he’s back to doing what he loves. Even if John hid the interview from him.

Dinner and dessert finished and Brian found himself sobering up from the food he’s eaten. John still insisted on driving to Brian’s flat, which Brian didn’t mind. He would never tell John this, but he does get tired of doing all the driving all the time. It’s an added bonus that John looks incredible behind the wheel on the car. Brian honestly can’t believe someone this fit and beautiful decided to be with him. An incredible human being, the absolute best boyfriend with a delicious cock that-

“You’re being quiet,” John said, not taking his eyes off the road as he placed his hand on Brian’s thigh. Giving it a light squeeze. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”

“I was thinking about your cock,” Brian said truthfully and John squeezed a bit harder. Almost a promise of what’s to come later. “Why didn’t you tell me? You know I’m your biggest supporter.”

John let out a sigh. “I just didn’t want to tell you and me not get it. You’ve been pushing me to apply to places and I’ve been putting it off. I didn’t want you to be disappointed in me or think I’m not good enough. I just hate the thought of being a burden.”

Brian slapped himself mentally for making this about himself earlier. “John,” Brian said firmly. “Nothing you could ever do would disappoint me. Especially if you did not get a job. I just wish you would have told me so I could have given you support beforehand and kissed you good luck. Even though it would be dumb to wish you good luck, you are incredibly smart and I would never doubt you. Not for a second.” 

“You’re really not mad?”  
  
“Absolutely not,” Brian said as he leaned over to kiss John’s cheek.

-

John collapsed on top of Brian, both men panting into each other's mouths. Brian’s not sure if it’s Valentine’s day or John starting a new job, but this had to be their best sex to date. Or it could have been John giving into Brian and not using a condom. Whatever the reason, it was mind blowing to Brian. Riding John’s cock as his orgasm washed over him left him completely lifeless. Which led to John flipping them over and chasing his own orgasm as he thrusted painfully slowly into Brian. 

Now the two lay in a mess of sweat and come, Brian floating in complete bliss and ecstasy.

“That was,” John panted.

“Agreed,” Brian said when the younger man didn’t finish his sentence. 

After they both came down and their breathing returned to normal, John helped Brian up and out of bed so the two could shower. Brian wanted to protest but the mess between his legs made it hard for him to. In the bathroom, John wet a washcloth and knelt down to clean Brian up a bit before they both jumped into the shower. They took their time washing each other up and John spent more time than needed to wash Brian’s curls. It’s so incredibly simple but it’s so intimate.

Once they finished showering and dried off, John climbed into bed in his briefs while Brian stood naked staring at the open drawer. The gift box containing the set sat in there, staring back at him. Before he could think twice, Brian grabbed the box and jumped on the bed.

“B,” John grinned. “My cock is a bit too sensitive for round two tonight.”

“Bold of you to assume you’d be topping,” Brian joked at his own expense. “I have something for you. It’s not a Valentine’s gift, it’s a congratulations on the new job gift.”

The older man handed the gift box over to John, who opened it carefully. Brian watched with wide eyes as he tried to read John’s expressions.

“When you propose there’s usually a question and only one ring,” John teased as he put the rings on his fingers.

Brian stuck his tongue out at John and just as he was about to play slap John, the younger man grabbed his hand. John pulled him close and smashed their lips together. There was a brief moment Brian thought John might kill him for the gift, thankfully the moment passed. John effectively dominated the kiss. Not that Brian ever puts up a fight when it comes to kissing John.

“You like them?” Brian asked into John’s lips.

“They’re perfect. Thank you,” John replied smiling. “I know this is a Valentine’s gift so I owe you one. Can’t pull a fast one on me.”

Brian sat back on his knees and groaned. “Deaks,” Brian started off. “You don’t owe me. I saw them at the jewelers and went ‘wow, those would look great on John’. So I bought them for you. Cos that’s what I do when I love someone. I buy them things that I think they might like with no intentions of being paid back. That’s what love is to me.”

John examined the rings on his fingers before raising an eyebrow at Brian. “Fine,” John huffed out with no hard feelings. “Thank you, B. I love them.”

Sharing one more kiss before ending their night, Brian noticed unshed tears in John’s eyes. They weren’t happy tears like when he watches cheesy romance movies or when he wins a never ending game of scrabble. These tears are the complete and utter sadness tears. The same ones whenever John speaks about his ex and things he’s gone through. 

“Love,” Brian said, wiping some fallen tears away. “Talk to me.”

“You just buy me things cos you love me and want nothing in return,” John stated. “My ex would buy me dinner and demand a blow job. Or would guilt me into having sex cos he bought me new shoes. I know you’re not him and you wouldn’t do those things but I just hear his fucking voice in my head saying I owe you.”

By the end of his speech, John was a mess. A mess passed being sorted out in the moment. Forging briefs, Brian crawled under the covers and held John in his arms. He stroked John’s hair and listed off all the reasons he loves the younger man until John fell asleep.

“I love you,” Brian whispered into his hair. He squeezed the younger man the tightest he could, just in case John tried to float away. “No one is ever going to hurt you.”

-

Brian woke up the next morning to an empty bed and the smell of breakfast lingering from the kitchen. He pulled on a pair of pajama bottoms and sauntered out of the bedroom. 

“Morning,” Brian yawned. 

“Good morning, beautiful,” John said cheerily. He walked over and kissed Brian, leaving a bit of batter on the taller man’s nose. “I’m sorry about last night. I didn’t mean to have a breakdown. The good news is that I have called my therapist and I’m going to start seeing her again.”

“I’m happy for you, John,” Brian replied. “I’m always going to be here for you but I think this will be good for you.”

John smiled sweetly. “Speaking of you being there for me,” John said quickly. “Could you drive me on Tuesday? I want to get there early and don’t want to risk being late.”

Brian counted to 10 in his head before allowing himself to respond. He can easily switch a few things around to drive John, it’s no problem. The issue is that John could easily take Brian’s car to work but refuses not to. If it wasn’t for last night, Brian would use this time to finally have that conversation about the car issue. It’s not worth it now. Not when it could upset the fragile man even more.

“Of course,” Brian smiled. 

So it’ll go back to being a problem for another time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know if you like it!
> 
> Thank you for reading :')
> 
> Thank you in advance if you leave any kudos or comments. I appreciate it oh so much.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John starts his new job and Brian is not a morning person all while issues from John's previous marriage surface.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, it's been a hot minute. Happy New Year, I hope this year is very kind to you. 
> 
> This chapter dives into John past relationship and there is mentions of domestic abuse.
> 
> I hope you enjoy this chapter.
> 
> Find me on tumblr @ Mother-Mercury44

Brian likes to find the sliver lining in everything. 

Waking up at 5:15 to drive John to work is awful. But if he’s waking up early to drive John, that meant his boyfriend has spent the night at his flat. And Brian’s favorite thing in the world is falling asleep and waking up next to John. So, waking up early three to four times a week is most definitely worth it. It helps the feeling he has on days John doesn’t sleep over. Of course he misses John, but his heart aches knowing John walked to the tube station in the February cold.

The only other option Brian has offered was John taking his car. Brian has maybe a ten minute walk from his flat to get to work and works shorter hours then John. It makes sense for the younger man to take his car but John refuses to even maybe consider it an option. And when Brian presses the subject, John grows irritated and tension rises. 

So all in all, it’s worth it to see John settling into his new job quite well. Brian wasn’t surprised one bit when his coworkers wanted to take him out for drinks at the end of his second week.

“You should come with us,” John said smiling, nearly bouncing in his seat. “You can pick me up after work and we can head right there. Or you could just meet us there.”

“I wouldn’t want to intrude,” Brian yawned honestly. “Plus, I’m exhausted and have papers to grade. Just text me when you’re done and I’ll pick you up. Enjoy your time with your new friends, Deaky.”

John went silent and Brian didn’t miss his pout as he pulled in front of John’s work. 

“I’ll meet them another time,” Brian said squeezing John’s thigh. “Have fun. You deserve it. I love you.”

The younger man let out an exaggerated sigh. “If you insist,” John said cheekily. “I’ll text you when I’m ready. I love you, B.”

Brian leaned over to meet John in the middle for a goodbye kiss. John’s mouth tasting like mint reminded Brian that he didn’t even brush his own teeth this morning. Not that John seemed to mind as he plunged his tongue into Brian’s mouth. The kiss seemed a bit dramatic, like John was heading overseas for years instead of them not seeing each other until the evening.

They parted with a few more chaste kisses before Brian forced him out of the car. 

“I’ll see you tonight,” John smiled before blowing one last kiss. “Love you, B.”

“I love you. Don’t cause too much trouble tonight.”

Brian watched as John shut the car and finally walk into the building before pulling away. Happy to see John’s life returning to normal.

-

Brian went about his day how he usually does, starting off with heading home after dropping off John and laying down for an hour before getting ready for work. He and John talked on the phone during their lunch break, John invited him out once more and Brian still politely declined. It’s not that Brian doesn’t have any interest in meeting John’s friends, he just would John to have a life outside of their relationship and Freddie and Roger. It’s rare for either of them to hangout with friends without each other present. 

After work, Brian went grocery shopping and return the some clothing items that have been sitting in the boot of his car for the last month. John had texted him when they arrived at the pub and even sent a photo off the large pint he was drinking. Brian was at a stoplight and only had enough time to respond with a thumbs up emoji.

He found himself being more productive than usual. Getting around to deep cleaning the flat and finally shampooing the carpets. John had continued to send him updates and let him know he was having a grand time. Brian didn’t respond to every text since the younger man was sending a couple nearly every half an hour. He didn’t want to keep texting John back and distracting the younger man from his friends. He’d send an occasional lol or emoji back but not much more than that. 

Brian could tell John was getting more and more drunk as the night went on and he loved it. The messages got a bit funnier and a little raunchy with each passing beer. It wasn’t until a bit after midnight that John had texted him he was ready and Brian left immediately to get him wearing pajama pants, slippers, and carrying a to go cup with his tea. He packed a water bottle and snack for his lover, just in case.

He had waited outside the pub for a few minutes after texting John he was here. When the younger man didn’t answer and his phone went straight to voicemail, Brian decided to venture into the bar himself.

“Brian!” John shouted from his table, waving Brian over to them.

Brian smiled as he walked over the to table. “Your phone dead?” Brian asked, placing his cold hands of John’s cheeks. “Ready to go?”

John hastily checked his phone, confirming it did die. “Sorry, Brian,” John said, his voice cracking. “Fuck. I- I- please don’t tell me you were waiting long?”

“Just got here,” Brian lied. “Hi, nice to meet you all. I’m Brian, John’s boyfriend and also his chauffeur for tonight.”

He made quick introductions to John’s friends as the younger man stayed silent, usually the roles are reverse but Brian assumes the liquor is finally catching up to him. After getting Johns coat and making sure his tab was paid, Brian walked them out to the car. He strapped John and gave him the water bottle to sip on for he ride home.

“How was tonight? You seem like you had a good time,” Brian smiled. “Coworkers seem nice too.”

“It was good,” John slurred quietly. 

Brian tried to ask more questions about John’s night but the younger man didn’t seem to want to talk about it. He chalked it up to John being drunk and tired.

“There’s a couple snacks I grabbed for you in case you’re hungry,” Brian said breaking the silence. When John didn’t respond for reach for them, Brian grabbed them himself and showed his boyfriend. “Deaks, let’s get something in that stomach in case you feel sick later.”

“Why are you being so nice to me when you’re clearly mad at me?”

“Wait. What,” Brian asked pulling in front of his flat.

“You barely texted me back all night,” John said almost inaudible. “My phone died and you had to come and get me. I’m sorry, I won’t go out without you next time. I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. I don’t deserve how kind you are being to me.”

John’s voice cracking and his face becoming wet with tears made Brian’s stomach hurt. It all makes sense. Brian has to constantly remind himself of John’s past and that his brain is wired from an abusive relationship. That just cos he’s doing better doesn’t mean he's healed. He knows there are certain things that John might never heal from. 

Brian counted to ten his head before reaching over taking John’s hand in his own. “John, I’m not even close to being mad or embarrassed. I just wanted you to have a good time and not be that person sitting on their phone and texting their boyfriend all night. Let’s go inside and we can talk more about this in the morning.”

John turned and face him with wet cheeks. “You promise?”

“Pinky promise, love.”  
  
John’s drunk mind seemed to have forgotten their conversation as they walked into the flat. His mind went to telling Brian how they took a shot anytime someone brought up. Which made sense on why the younger man is currently three sheets to wind and Brian is rubbing his back as John hangs over the toilet.

“You know what’s nice?” John asked laughing.

“Hmm,” Brian hummed, wiping the spit off his chin.

“Thank you,” John said with a dopey smile. “I haven’t been this piss drunk in a while so I know this hangover is gonna hurt. But it’s nice knowing that my head is gonna hurt from a hangover and not being hit in the head by him.”

Brian’s stomach sank. “Really nice you’ll never have to worry about that again,” Brian said, trying his best to not cry as he rubbed his thumb across John’s cheek. “No one will ever put their hands on you again. I love you so bloody much, Deaky.”

Under the shitty bathroom lighting as they sat on the floor, Brian has never been more in love with John. Even as Brian has to change John himself into pajamas and help brush his teeth, he can’t stop thinking just how much he loves John. Love is helping carry your lovers baggage and unpacking it with them. Even when the baggage is heavy and dark. Brian doesn’t mind helping John, just like John never minded helping him.  
  
Brian tucked John into bed, placed a water bottle and a waste basket on his side of the bed just in case. He climbed into bed with a shattered heart and even more anger towards John’s ex. His hands clenched in fist at the thought of John waking up in pain after being hit in the head. The thought of John living in fear and embarrassment his ex husband or being afraid to be out without him has heart pounding out of his chest.

Not wanting to spend anymore time upsetting himself over things he cannot change, Brian rolled over on his side to face a sleeping John. He ran a calm hand through John’s hair. When John didn’t stir, Brian continued to gently rub his head and let foreign thoughts run through his head. How much he would love to be able to take any and all of John’s pain away. How if given the opportunity, he would strangle John’s ex with his own two hands.

Brian maneuvered them so he was laying behind John, keeping the younger man in his arms. Not loosening his grip for a moment. Fearing that if he let go slightly, John might actually float away. Brian knows he can’t do either of those things but he does know that he can promise to never hurt John like he’s been hurt before. He made a promise to himself that he is going to keep John as safe as he can.

-

  
Waking up with John still in his arms or let alone the bed is rare for Brian. It’s no surprise the younger man is still in bed, most likely sleeping off a wicked hangover. Peeking over John’s shoulder, Brian could see John scrolling through Instagram.

“Anything good,” Brian asked, hooking his chin on John’s shoulders.

John looked back and kissed the side of Brian’s mouth. “Some photos from last night,” John grinned. “I have one eye open and a big dopey smile.”

Brian was handed John’s phone and scrolled through the few tagged photos. Seeing John’s genuine smile made him feel better about how the night ended. That the thoughts that raced through John’s head didn’t ruin his night completely. 

The energy shifted in the room as John rolled completely over to face Brian. “I’m sorry if I was a drunk mess last night,” John said softly. “I remember you putting me in the car and then it all kind of goes black after that.”

There was a small and almost selfish part of Brian that is glad John doesn’t remember. It would be nice if John did remember, then Brian would have no problem clearing the air and calming John’s fears. 

“You were perfect last night. Absolutely perfect, Deaky,” Brian lied with a smile. “I actually promised you a blowjob and breakfast in bed if you didn’t vomit in the bed.”  
  
“I remember that,” John said cheekily rolling over on back and placing his hands behind his head. 

Brian smiled as he removed the blanket off John, leaning in for a kiss. Brian isn’t one for lies, not even little white lies that are good instead of evil. He’s gonna give himself this lie, just like John is going to lie and say Brian gives the best blowjobs. Not that they’re awful by any means, just not as experienced and graceful as John. He knows he’ll get there, he’ll just keep practicing on his favorite cock.

After two orgasms and breakfast in bed, Brian decided to bring up the previous night to John as the two washed dishes together. Talking about more serious issues always seems a bit easier to Brian when there is another task at hand that helps avoid making eye contact. It’s probably not the best way to go about it but it works for now.

“Deaky,” Brian said monotone. “I want to talk about last night.”

“Mhm,” John hummed, not looking up as he scrubbed the pan.

“You thought I was mad at you for not constantly texting you back last night,” Brian started. “I explained to drunk you that I didn’t want to keep you on your phone all night. Texting me you made it, a few updates throughout the night, and asking for a ride is more than enough messages. I trust you completely when you’re not with me, I need you to know that. You thought I was embarrassed cos I had to walk into the bar to get you. I could never be embarrassed of you.”

John didn’t stir much besides shrugging his shoulders.

“I’m going to assume this has everything to do with your ex,” Brian said, nudging John with his elbows. “Talk to me, love.”

That was all it took for the tears to fall and the stories to spill out. Brian has heard most of the major stories but there are still many tiny stories he hasn’t heard that have caused a major impact on John. Stories that made Brian’s heart sink. Stories that Brian doesn’t want to believe. Stories that connect the dots to why John is who he is.

“The very rare occasion I would go out without him, he would call me every 15 minutes and wanted pictures of me so he knew I wasn’t out cheating on him. Even if I did everything right, he would still find some bloody reason to start a fight and fights usually ended with me getting punched in the head. It wasn’t fair,” John explained. “I embarrassed him constantly in his eyes and he wanted me to pay for that. I know he was wrong but my brain isn’t rewired yet. It’s getting there.”

Brian doesn’t know what to say besides the same few lines he’s been saying for nearly seven months now. He’s said them so many times that they don’t even sound like real words anymore. Regardless of that, the words haven’t lost any of their meaning. So lately he’s opted for holding John in his arms and squeezing unconditional love into him.

“You now I’d never put my hands on you. Right?” Brian asked, kissing the top of John’s head.

“Of course,” John sniffled into Brain’s chest.

Even if this conversation doesn’t feel complete, Brian doesn’t want to push John to talk about his past and all the pain he’s gone through. There’s more hard conversations ahead that need to be had but for Brian will take this small victory for the two of them. 

-

John’s alarm going off at five on Monday morning is never a pleasant sound. It’s a bit worse today considering Brian is off this week and he would love a lie in.

“I’ll start the coffee, B,” John groaned as he rolled out of bed.

Brian rolled over on his stomach to shove his face deeper into the pillow.

“Come on sleepy head,” John teased.

“Take the car, John,” Brian said, lifting his head from the pillow. “I’m off this week and I really don’t fancy getting up to drive you every morning. I love you very much and if you love me, you’ll take the car.”

John stood in the door, staring back at him. Brian’s not sure if the younger man will argue about this early in the morning. He’s hoping John doesn’t have the time and will just take the bloody keys for once. Brian thinks if they have this conversation one more time his own might explode from irritation. 

“I don’t want to be a burden,” John said, looking down at his feet shyly like a child who broke a window with a ball. “I don’t want you to not have your car all day. I’ll just take the tube.”

 _“John-_ ,” Brian started as he got out of bed.

“Do you know embarrassing it is to have your car taken away from you by an abusive ex while he’s in prison? Add a cheery on top for not being able to afford another car.” John said as he viciously rubbed his eyes. “He held him buying me my car over my head every single day. The entire situation is humiliating. I don’t ever want to feel like that again. It’s an independence thing and I just need to you to respect that.”

Brian gently removed John’s hands and kissed the younger man. “I respect it,” Brain said calmly. “How about you take the car this week and we figure something out that works for the both of us?”  
  
“You really aren’t going to drop this,” John smiled.

Brian shook his head no.

“Fine,” John said dramatically throwing his hands in the air. “Just know that I will be filling the tank for you.”

“Perfect. I love you,” Brian smiled. “Now go, I want to go back to sleep.”

After an exchange of kisses, Brian climbed back into bed with a smile on his face. He knows this isn’t the end of this conversation but it is the end for now and that’s good enough. Talking about feelings isn’t one of Brian’s strong points and his over has been patient with him. Just like Brian is patient and understanding when it comes to John’s abusive past. 

It’s a bit of hard work on both ends but Brian likes to think it work worth doing. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading this, means the world to me.
> 
> Thank you in advance to any kudos and comments you leave.
> 
> I love you all :')


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brian and John go on their first holiday together. John gets insecure and Brain shows John just how much he loves him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: I'm gonna update every Wednesday.  
> Also me: *updates over a month later*
> 
> Sorry for the delay! Life is crazy. Lost my job and then totaled my car. But then I had to go back to my old job cos I'm not losing it just yet. So life has been confusing and the weather has been freezing. 
> 
> Please let me know if you life it.
> 
> I'm on Tumblr @ Mother-Mercury44

Brian expected John to fight to hell and back over Brian’s proposition. He expected the younger man to stubbornly cross his arms and keep his stubborn feet planted firmly on the ground. After their conversation, Brian wouldn’t be angry if John refused. Now that he finally has a better understanding of John’s hesitation when it came to using Brian’s car. Part of him wants to take offense that John thinks he might act like his ex, but this isn’t about him.

This is about John and Brian selling him his car.

Well not really selling, John is simply taking over the last year of car notes and the car is going in the younger man's name. Brian couldn’t think of any other way for John to take the car. Is it an expensive plan that requires Brian financing a new car? Yes. Is it still worth it to him? Absolutely. 

After a few long days of signing paperwork and car shopping for himself, the couple decided to have a date night. Strolling hand in hand under the stars together, Brian’s favorite sort of date night.

“I’m hoping by this time next year I can trade this car in for something a bit faster,” John smiled at Brian. “Definitely something red.”

Brian smiled back. 

“That is if you don’t mind me selling the car,” John said sheepishly. “I love the car and I’m grateful for you selling it to me to help me out. it’s just that-”

“John,” Brian interrupted. “It’s your car, do whatever you want with it, love.”

Brian means that he wants John to feel like he could plaster the car in cheesy bumper stickers or paint the exterior hot pink. He knows John might not feel like that right away and that’s okay. 

“I keep forgetting,” John grinned. “Now you can’t tell me to slow down.”

Or not.

“Speeding isn’t safe, John,” Brian laughed. “I’m trying to keep you safe and out of trouble with the law.”

“Killjoy,” John mumbled to himself playfully. 

Brian didn’t want to bring the mood down by explaining how John’s driving can be a bit reckless. Considering he hasn’t seen John this happy in a while. Seeing John gain control of his life again, made Brian’s heart smile. Seeing John happy outside the comfort of their relationship, has made all the work they put into each other worth it. Instead, he pulled their intertwined hands to his mouth and placed a kiss along John’s knuckles. 

-

Certain dynamics changed the months following Brian selling John his car. They changed in the best way possible and Brian didn’t know he could get any happier. 

Little things changed with John. The younger man started saying ‘thank you’ instead of arguing when Brian picked him up a gift from the store. John even started buying Brian little presents here and there now that he’s more financially stable with his new job. Before John would remember the exact amount that he had to pay Brian back, now the two switch back and forth when it comes to paying.

Brian noticed that it isn’t just with money John’s changed. One of the other things Brian loves is John’s willingness to ask for help and receive help when offered. As if he finally has come to realize that Brian is not his ex-husband. 

It wasn’t only John who changed. The younger man pointed out to Brian how he’s gotten better with PDA and no longer freezing when John grabs his hand in public. That Brian has become more confident as gay man in a serious relationship. Brian can tell that John appreciates the work he has put into himself, considering it has helped them become even stronger as a couple.

It hasn’t been easy and Brian knows that the work they put in will never end. He’s not complaining by any means, he loves the work. Even if it means he’s constantly battling his own demons while also helping John out with his own. It’s everyday maintenance that they’ll have to do for the rest of their lives. Which Brian doesn’t mind at all, especially since he has John by his side.

So all in all, things have been better than ever. The best 10 months of Brian’s life. So far obviously, he knows things will only go up from here.

“So I know your birthday is next month,” John said casually as he cut up the fresh veg for dinner. “Then my birthday is the month after that and then we have our one year anniversary.” 

“I do remember those dates,” Brian joked. “Thanks for the reminder, love.”

John fake groaned. “Keep up the attitude and I’m not going to tell you my idea.”

Brian’s ears picked up on that. He sent his knife down before hopping up on the counter to listen. John took his time finishing up the veg and pouring himself a glass of wine. Driving Brian absolutely mad.

“Deaks,” Brian whined. “Sometime this year. Please.”

John handed Brian a glass of wine. “You can say no,” he explained. “I was thinking we should plan a holiday together. I was thinking of a nice beach holiday. We can plan it all out together and split the cost, it’ll be a nice big gift for the two of us.”

The thought of the two of them sitting in the sun while sipping cocktails made Brian already feel all warm and cozy. John being the one to come up with the plan made it an even better idea. Knowing that the younger man is on board and Brian won’t have to jump through hoops already has Brian feeling relaxed about the trip.

“Or not,” John said quickly. “If it’s stupid we can plan something else together.”

Brian grabbed John by the shirt and pulled him in for a kiss. “No,” Brian said into his mouth. “I love the idea and I love you. My mind got a bit distracted thinking of you in some sunshine, holding some fruity cocktail, and just looking absolutely delicious.”

“Oh thank God,” John smiled.

The two settled on going to Mykonos in between their two birthdays. 

That didn’t stop John from decorating Brian’s flat and throwing him a mini birthday party at a local pub. Even though Brian told him specially not to, he was still all smiles as John walked him into the pub. He’s not sure if he was happy about the birthday party or happy to see how excited John was throwing the birthday party. Either way, the endorphins were high and Brian couldn’t stop himself from throwing himself onto John’s lap or planting a kiss somewhere on John’s face in every photo.

“You seem to be enjoying yourself,” John whispered in Brian’s ear.

“I want to dance with you,” Brian said back in a loud whisper. 

“This isn’t dancing music,” John pointed out.

Brian pouted. “Please.”

John grabbed Brian and moved the two of them over to the empty dance floor. Brian let his hands fall on the younger man's shoulders and his body shivered when John gently grabbed him by the waist. The two of them danced to some song Brian wouldn’t know even if he was sober. He didn’t care about the song. He didn’t care if people were staring. He just cared about the love of his life in his arms.

This time last year Brian’s life was falling apart and coming together all at the same time. He still feels terrible for how things ended with his ex wife but that quickly fades when he remembers the treatment he received after. How he had to climb out of the hole they threw him in. It felt terrible, like the end of the world was happening and Brian couldn’t do anything to stop it. But with every ending starts a new beginning and Brian’s new beginning started with John. Brian likes to think of John as the sunshine after the storm. 

“This is our first time dancing like this,” John said sweetly, looking up at Brian with kind eyes.

“I haven’t danced like this since my wedding,” Brian admitted. “I hated it, I thought I hated dancing. But I think I was dancing with the wrong person cos I really like this right now.”

Brian spun John around sloppily and stepped on the younger man's foot multiple times, but John never once called him out. He did manage to take the lead from Brian which wasn’t hard since Brian didn’t put up much of a fight. He let John spin him in circles and even dip him a few times. It was plenty romantic and Brian felt like he was floating on air.

“I want to spend the rest of my life dancing with you,” Brian said before kissing John on the lips. 

“I want that more than anything, B,” John said smiling once the two of them parted.

That was last thing Brian remembers of his 31st birthday and he’s okay with that since it was his favorite part of his 31st birthday.

-

With the two of them constantly on the go, it felt a bit foreign for the two of them to be this relaxed together. No early morning alarms or Freddie and Roger going at it all night. Just Brian and his lover sitting on a beach far away from all of that. He can’t speak for John but he’s felt relaxed from the moment they sat down on the plane. He’s already thanked John close to one hundred times for this idea, they both clearly needed it. 

“We should stay here forever,” Brian said. “You look even more beautiful with the sun shining on you.”

He’s said it probably a dozen times today and he’ll probably say it a dozen more. He can’t help it. John’s skin looks as if it was kissed by the sun and his eyes look absolutely beautiful with the sun hitting them. He’s using all of his will power to not jump John’s bones right here on a public beach. 

“I can’t wait to come back with a tan,” John smirked. “Roger’s going to be so jealous.”

Brian picked at John’s shirt. “It’s gonna be uneven if you keep this on, love. Plus you look so much better with it off.”

“This holiday has made you so naughty, B,” John laughed.

Brian grabbed an ice cube from his fruity drink and tossed it at John, which led to the two of them going back and forth with ice cubes until they ran out. It was a childish game and the crowd near them wasn’t impressed by it, which only made it even more fun. Brian smiled to himself when he noticed that John’s shirt was decently soaked.

“Now you have to take it off,” Brian said, trailing his hand under John’s shirt. “Take the shirt off and let’s get in the water.”

John groaned, clearly a bit annoyed. “Brian, I can’t. My middle is riddled with scars and I just really don’t want them on display.”

It’s not that Brian forgot about John’s scars. He sees them every time he’s alone with John. The younger man never made it a point to say he’s uncomfortable with people seeing them, which is why Brian is finding himself a bit taken back. John has always been very open about being a domestic abuse survivor. Brian knows it’s not his place to say what John is or isn’t comfortable with. It is his job to learn and respect John’s boundaries.

“I don’t want this to sound dumb but I didn’t know you were insecure about them,” Brian admitted. 

“You’re the only person who's ever seen them,” John said with a sigh. “I don’t like them, I just feel so broken and ugly with them. I know they’ll fade over time but it’s not fair that I’m over the abuse but the physical evidence is still there. I hate them and I hate him and I don’t want people to see.”

The look of utter exhaustion and defeat on John’s face made Brian’s own heart hurt.

Brian knows he could give some grand speech to John about how much he loves and that he’s so much more than his physical, emotional, and mental scars. He can tell John he’s beautiful using different metaphors. He can go off on what an absolute piece of shit his ex-husband is forever laying a hand on him. Threatening to make things right for John even if it’s the last thing he does. 

None of that is going to help John, not in the way he needs it. 

“Come on,” Brian said standing up and reaching a hand out for John. “I want to show you something.”

“B,” John groaned as he stood up. “Just drop it, okay? We have the Jacuzzi in the room. Let’s use that and we-”

Brian shut John up with a kiss before leading the two of them back to their room. The moment Brian shut the door behind them, he pinned John up against the wall and kissed gently down his jaw. John seemed surprised with him taking the lead, they can both count on one hand how many times Brian has willingly taken the lead. Brian forgets how much he loves the breathless sounds John makes in this position. He loves them even more knowing he’s the cause of them. 

“You could have said you wanted to have sex,” John sighed, his eyes fluttering shut. 

“Not just yet,” Brian said in between kisses. 

As much as Brian would love to keep his lover pinned up against the wall, he had other plans. He picked John up and carried him over to the bed, gently settling the younger man down. John was settled on his knees with his hands planted firmly in his lap, waiting innocently for further instructions. Brian looked down at the literal angel in the bed in awe. This beautiful person with a big beautiful heart came into his life and changed everything for the better. Like Brian was poisoned and John was the antidote.

Brian never said it out loud but he doesn’t know where he would be if he never ran into John. If John never extended a warm welcome to him. The thought of not having John in his life, even as a friend, terrifies Brian. It’s not a life he thinks he could live.

Overwhelmed with love and on the verge of tears, Brian removed his shirt before climbing next to John. Without saying a word, Brian removed John’s shirt carefully and let his hands fall to the younger man's bare chest. His fingers lightly grazing over his nipples, down to his belly button, and back up again. Brian went out of his way to graze over a scar, using the same delicate touch as before.

Brian went to kiss John but the younger man was staring up at the ceiling with wide eyes, like he was trying to avoid blinking so he could avoid tears spilling. Brian is all too familiar with John’s current state, the kind where someone asks if you’re okay and the breakdown happens before giving an answer.

“John,” Brian cooed, tracing John’s jaw with his finger. “Please look at me.”

John looked at him, his face soaked with tears. “I don’t need you to tell me I’m beautiful. You tell me everyday. Plus, I know I’m good looking.”

“I love how confident you are but you’re not cocky,” Brian said gently guiding John to lay down on the bed. “You’ve made me realize that it’s not being conceited to love yourself.”

Brian quickly removed the remainder of his clothes, tossing them in some direction before returning his attention to John. In one swift motion, Brian discarded John’s clothes and the two of them stared wide eyed at each other's naked state. He crawled over on top of John, skin touching skin in the most intimate way.

“Brian,” John moaned as their cocks slid against each other.

“I love you snore most of the time,” Brian said peppering kisses on John’s nose. “Even though it keeps me up. I don’t mind hearing it all night, like a constant reminder how lucky I am that you’re next to me.”

“I don’t snore,” John lied. 

Ignoring John, Brian let his hands rub up and down John’s arms while planting kisses down his chest. He loved hearing the little breathless moans from John.

“I love how strong you are,” Brian said, squeezing John’s biceps. “You never make me feel weak, only ever protected.”

Brian noticed John’s breathing pick up as both of their arousal grew. Making Brian happy that his plan is working. So he continued on with the things he loves about John and why they make him beautiful. Talking about his strong thighs and how incredibly sexy his fingers are. He mentioned John’s big beautiful brain and of course he went on and on about John’s cock. It was intimate and silly. Brian kissed nearly every inch of John’s body, while their bodies were touching constantly.

Both of them started losing their patience towards the end. Brian was convinced if he waited any longer his cock might explode right there. His plan was for them to finish with sex but neither of them are going to make it long enough to grab the lube. He didn’t let John lift a finger, instead he grabbed their cocks in his hand and stroked them both to completion. John squeezed his eyes shut and arched his back off the bed, giving Brian the best view to set off his own orgasm.

It was best no sex, sex they’ve ever had.

Brian cleaned them both off before climbing back into bed and getting them both under the covers. Neither of them cared; it's the middle of the day and beautiful sunshine awaits them outside. 

“I love you,” John said, still staring up at the ceiling. 

“I love you,” Brian parroted back, his fingers tracing over one of John’s scars.

“You never told me you love my scars,” John sighed dramatically as he rolled over to face Brian. “A little rude, don’t you think?”

Brian pinched John’s hip. “I do love them,” Brian said shyly. “I don’t love that they’re a result of his abuse and I don’t love the pain you went through. What I do love about them is that it means you survived. Against all the odds, you’re here with me in this bed. I love that you’re here; alive and happy. Hate him with every being in your body, I know I do. But you are not broken or ugly, he’s broken and ugly.”

John pressed up against Brian’s chest and closed his eyes. “Thank you.”

“For what,” Brian asked.

“For putting the work in,” John said, finally opening his eyes. “For not leaving. For everything.”

There has never been a moment in their relationship where Brian has ever thought of leaving. Never once have things ever gotten to a point where Brian had even the slightest thought of ‘well I could just leave’. Cos loving someone is loving them when things are good and loving them even more when things are hard. Even one the hardest days someone would have to drag Brian out while he’s kicking and screaming in order to get him to leave John. 

It has been work, work most definitely worth doing in Brian’s eyes. “And thank you for putting in the work with me,” Brian smiled. “I quite like being a work in progress with you. Means were only going to get better as time goes on.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry the ending of this chapter is kind of abrupt. If I spend anymore time on it, I'm gonna delete the whole chapter. 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading. I love this story and I hope you do too.
> 
> Thank you for any kudos and comments you leave, they make my heart happy.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brian and John prepare to celebrate their one year anniversary which is accompanied by bad news and a fight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!
> 
> Here is another an update. A bit more angst cos why not?
> 
> I hope you like it.
> 
> I'm on Tumblr @ Mother-mercury44

With both their birthdays over with, Brian felt rather giddy as their one year anniversary approached. He never felt this happy before, not even when he and Chrissie first got together. Which makes sense; Brian wasn’t happy then. He wasn’t confident in his relationship or himself. He was miserable and he didn’t even notice it. Coming out did so much good for him that it almost balanced out the bad. But meeting John was the cherry on top. Here they are nearly a year later and things have never been more perfect with himself and his relationship.

Brian has been working on himself this past year. He’s gotten more comfortable with being affectionate in public. It may not be his cup of tea but he loves the smile John gives him whenever he grabs the younger man’s hand or kisses him in public. He knows how happy John gets when he posts their pictures on Instagram, so he makes it a point to post a few times a month. It may seem like the simplest things a person could do but to Brian it’s a lot. Brian has to battle that voice in the back of his head everyday. It’s exhausting but it’s worth it.

Every week there’s new victories with John, some small and some large. John has made it a point to replace all the old and bad memories with good ones. Something as simple as going to one of his favorite restaurants with Brian for the first time in well over a year. Brian’s heart broke when John told him about his ex nearly dragging him out cos he thought John was flirting with the waiter. The heartache went away when the two stumbled out, hand in hand singing some cheesy love song. 

“One bad memory out,” John said hiccupping. “A new and better one in.”

Brian wrapped his arm around John’s shoulder’s and kissed the top of his head. John’s happiness is the air in his lungs and he really wouldn’t mind spending the rest of his life creating only good memories with John.

One of Brian’s favorite things is that John has been spending more and more time at his flat. He does feel guilty that John is paying rent at his own flat only to never be there. He does know that John likes to have his flat as security, a place to call his own. Eventually, one day they’ll move into a place together and it’ll be their home. 

As much as Brian loves spending time at his own flat, it’s nice to go over to John and Freddie’s. The couple has been busy and haven’t gotten around to seeing Freddie and Roger as much as they would like. Freddie planned a night in for the four of them. Brian and John did the cooking and setting up since Freddie’s idea of planning is buying liquor and calling it a day.

Brian was on his way to John and Freddie’s flat, making one quick stop to pick up a few items. While Brian was quickly scanning the shelves for what he needed, he stopped once he heard an all too familiar voice.

“Brian,” Chrissie said, her voice very monotone. 

He felt his heart stop and everything seemed to freeze around them. It’s not that Brian never wanted to see her again, he just thought it was safe to assume he would never. Chrissie hated London. 

“Chrissie. Hi, how are you,” Brian said quickly, the nerves clear in his voice. 

He wasn’t sure if he should shake her hand or go for the hug. Everything he thought to do felt foreign. The last in person interaction they had together, Brian was slapped across the face. He didn’t want to do anything to get another one. He settled for an awkward half wave. 

“I’m doing rather well, thanks for asking. I’m here with some friends,” Chrissie smiled. “How are you?”

“Things are great,” Brian said honestly. “I’ve got this great job and met some great people. The city is lovely, I-”

Chrissie raised up a hand to stop him from speaking. “That’s great. My cousin told me he saw your posts online with your boyfriend. I really thought you just made a drunk mistake that night.”

“No, I’m-”

“Was it worth it? Ruining our marriage and embarrassing me in front of everyone.” Chrissie spat, her voice growing louder.

“I felt terrible about all of that,” Brian said calmly. “I felt even more terrible after how poorly people treated me. I really don’t owe you this conversation.”

“You’ve never been one for confrontation. Would rather avoid it all together,” Chrissie said, her voice thick with venom. “I hate how happy you are. You don’t deserve it.”

Brian turned away without grabbing what he needed, too angry to even bother shopping. There’s also a large part of Brian that knows if he continued on with this conversation he will start crying. It feels as if almost everything Brian has worked towards over the last is gone. The confidence he built up has been bulldozed down. 

All he wanted in this moment was John. 

The moment he walked through John’s door, his lips were attached to John’s. He couldn’t tell you if Freddie or Roger were in the room. He just knew his lips were on John’s and he’s never felt more loved and safe. Most importantly, happy. He’s allowed and deserves this happiness. 

And no one is allowed to take that from him.

“Well good afternoon, lover,” John panted. “What’s this about?”

“I’ll tell you later,” Brian said softly, stroking John’s cheek.

He doesn’t need the evening to revolve around him and his ex.

“Fucking while food is on the stove is very unsanitary,” Freddie said from his place at the kitchen table. 

Roger was sitting at Freddie’s side and shot Brian a wink, he felt his cheeks heat up but he didn’t care. The three of them teased each other with playful banter while John finished up dinner. It was only a short while later the four of them sat together eating dinner. Brian kept his hand on the top of John’s thigh for his own comfort, cos feeling John’s body heat against his own gave him instant relief.

Brian tried to distract himself with wine, John’s smile, and the good company but it was no use. Chrissie’s words played in his mind throughout the whole evening, bringing to the surface all those old feelings he worked so hard to get over. Effectively setting him back to where he was nearly a year ago.

The whole night felt off to Brian. Freddie and Roger looked guilty as ever, making Brian nervous. John must have felt the same way since he pestered Freddie until the older man broke.

“Well I didn’t want to say anything today,” Freddie said casually, staring into his glass. “Roger and I got approved for a flat. I love living with you, Deaky. It’s just time for us to find our own place and this is closer to Roger’s work. We don’t have a lease on this flat now so we figured we’d move in two months.”

“Oh,” John said simply.

Brian prepared himself for John to lose it on Freddie.

“We’re sorry, Deaky. Blame me,” Roger said.

“No it’s okay,” John said, his flat. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m a little pissed but I’ll get over it.”

“We figured you would just move in Brian,” Freddie explained.

“Why would I move in with Brian?” John said, his voice gaining anger.

“Well-”

“Alright,” Brian interrupted. He could feel the conversation going to downhill very fast and wanted that not to happen. “Congratulations on the place you two. Let’s call it a night. We all have a bit too much wine in us.”

Brian got up and then offered a hand to John, who declined to take it. The two of them dressed for bed silently, John’s irritation was clear and Brian didn’t want to set the younger man off. John’s never been one to not say how he feels or be afraid to go off on Freddie. Brian has witnessed a fight over dishes evolve into a nasty fight. Maybe it’s cos Brian has never been an argumentative person but he just can’t rationalize arguing. Brian truly does love everything about John, he just wishes the younger man would learn to swallow his pride and hold his tongue sometimes. 

“So bloody bold of Freddie to assume he could just pick up and leave. That I would just move in with you,” John spat, standing at the edge of the bed. “That I can’t afford bills without someone helping me. Fucking prick.”

“Deaky, I don’t think Freddie is thinking like that. It makes sense,” Brian explained calmly. “It’s been nearly a year, I’d like us to move in soon anyways.”

“I don’t need your help,” John laughed. “I don’t need you to fix everything.”

“I’m not trying to fix-”

“Oh yes you are! Like I’m so helpless abused kitten,” John yelled. “I’m capable of taking care of myself. I don’t even need you.”

“You’re taking your anger out on me,” Brian said with a deep breath. “I’m going to bed, we can talk in the morning.”

Brian didn’t bother to wait for a response before climbing into bed. He’s drunk and hungover all at the same time and this is not the time for this conversation. He knows John didn’t mean it when he said ‘I don’t even need you’. He’s just angry.

“ _We can talk in the morning_ ,” John said, clearly mocking Brian as he climbed into bed.

Brian shoved his face into the pillow and willed himself to sleep before John starts up again.

-

Brian woke up to a pounding headache and John on the phone with someone. His voice sounded weak and scared. A huge part of Brian wants to let the younger man he acted out of line last night but he can’t. He’s not that kind of person and whoever is on the other line is not giving John good news. He tried his best to listen without letting John know he’s awake. John wasn’t doing most of the talking, just frantically pacing around the room.

“What does this mean? Wh- what am I supposed to do? Just wait. Sounds fucking awful,” John struggled to get his words out. “Okay, just please keep me updated. Thank you, bye.”

John let his body fall on the bed and let out a sigh. Brian used the bit of commotion to “wake up” and rolled over to face John. Sweet John who looked completely and utterly broken. This isn’t the state of a hungover man, this is something much more. The frustration Brian felt from last night didn’t matter anymore. John’s drunk rant and harsh words were the least of his worries. His only concern was John.

The two men stared at each other for a moment, Brian used his thumb to gently caress John’s cheek. It’s moments like this that John doesn’t look 27, he looks much younger. He looks delicate and fragile, like if Brian pressed too hard on his cheek he might shatter. It makes him forget that this is the same John who went on a rampage last night.

John let out a deep breath and grabbed Brian’s wrist. “My lawyer called,” John said quietly. “My ex is eligible for parole soon. Since it was his first offense and what they charged him for, he could be out in six months.”

“Oh,” Brian said. 

There wasn’t much else he could say. No matter what he says isn’t going to change what’s going on. So Brian let John let out all his feelings and emotions. He let John rant about how unfair things were and how scared he is. He let John be shamelessly vulnerable cos everyone needs to be every now and then.

“Okay,” Brian said. “Let’s get ourselves a cuppa and take this day by day. I’m going to be here for you, John. No matter what you might need, I am here to help. I’m not going to let you go through any of this alone.”

John groaned in response and rolled out of bed, leaving Brian confused more than anything. He was expecting a few different responses but that was not one of them. He followed John out of bed and the two men stood half dressed staring at each other. Brian’s never usually stubborn but he’s refusing to speak until John explains his groan.

“I can handle this by myself just like I’m going to handle the flat situation by myself,” John explained calmly but his wide eyes said otherwise. “I’m the one who has to be worried about finding a place and being able to pay bills. I’m the one who has to worry about their ex husband being released from prison. This is all my life, these are my problems. Why don’t you worry about fixing your own problems and not mine.”

“John,” Brian said, his voice remaining low. “I don’t know where this is coming from but let’s talk about this about this before things get out of control. I’m not trying to-”

“Oh fucking hell,” John yelled, rubbing his hands on his face. “You have no idea? How about every time there is a problem in my life you, you want to fix it? You don’t see me rushing to fix you and your problems. Like how I could barely kiss you in public? Or how you think every person is going to treat you like Chrissie when they find out your gay. No one cares if you’re Gay. Chrissie probably doesn’t even think of you about it anymore but you obsess over it daily.”

Brian would like to admit John’s words didn’t sting. That they didn’t knock the wind out of him. But they did hurt, not just cos the words were harsh but cos they came from John. They came from John with intentions of hurting him. They came the day after running into Chrissie and feeling like the world is collapsing around him.

Brian balled his hands into fists and sat down on the bed. “John, I really don’t want to fight.”

John moved to stand in front of Brian, his foot tapping and nostrils flaring. Brian is sure he’s never seen the younger man so angry. 

“Oh trust me,” John spat. “I know you don’t want to fight. You never want to fight, God forbid we have a fight or argument.”

The conversation drifted so far from the original issue, Brian is struggling to understand how they got here. He can’t remember if this is actually only about last night. If this is something that has been simmering in John’s brain and he’s finally boiled over. He doesn’t even know why John is angry right now. Part of him can’t even decide if he’s angry himself.

“Glad I’m having this conversation with myself,” John yelled, snapping Brian out from his thoughts. “The one thing I can do by myself apparently.”

Brian hit his boiling point and shot up from the bed. It was forceful enough that John took a few steps back, his face ghost white. Every part of Brian wanted to end the fight there, which triggered John. It doesn’t matter how they got here anymore but he should end it. But he’s hit his boiling point already. The whistles going off and Brian doesn’t think he could stop himself if he tried.

“Oh fuck off, John. Shut up,” Brian yelled, his own voice scaring him. “I know you have a lot going on but you don’t get to be a fucking prick to me. This is what you want? You want me to scream and yell? Why? So I’m just the arsehole who triggered your PTSD? Fine, here you bloody go.”

John stared at him, his bottom lip quivering. Brian doesn’t know how to handle this, his head is full of steam and his heart is beating too fast. He also knows that if he opens his mouth again, something hateful might come out. Cos he wants to hurt John the way John hurt him. He didn’t meet John’s eyes as he turned around and searched for his clothes. Neither of them spoke, John didn’t even move from his spot.

Before Brian left John’s room, he turned back to look at John. Just as he opened his mouth to say ‘I love you’, John stopped him.

“Leave,” John said, his voice completely broken and his eyes not meeting Brian’s.

So, Brian left.

Once he was home, he let the tears fall. He was angry with John but even more angry with himself. He was scared that he most likely destroyed the trust John has with him. He’s pissed how the fight evolved into this mess. He’s scared for John. He knows they need a moment to cool down and they shouldn’t talk at this moment, but Brian wants to talk to John. Even if it is just to say I love you.

Brian was honestly surprised when John answered on the second ring.

“I love you,” Brian said quietly into the phone.

“I love you, B,” John responded sweetly, much to Brian’s surprise.

“I’m still angry with you and we need to talk about this,” Brian sighed. 

“B, I’m so terribly sor-”  
  
“I’ll come by you on Thursday?”

“Perfect,” John said, Brian heard his smile. “I love you.”

“I love you, John.”

The two stayed on the phone and listened to each other’s breathing for a moment before hanging up. Every fiber of Brian’s being wished he was next to John, their hearts beating in time with each other. His arms around John, stopping the younger man from floating away. He knows the next few days alone are going to be hard. Their talk is also going to be hard. He knows it’s all going to be worth it.

Cos John’s worth it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading this, means so much to me.
> 
> Thank you in advance to any kudos or comments you leave.
> 
> You all make me so happy. 
> 
> xoxo


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brian and John make up and own up to their own feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hahahahah it's been nearly a month cos I'm the worst. Very sorry, life hasn't been too kind to me and I'm not doing so hot. But writing makes me happy so hopefully I get back into the swing of it.
> 
> Find me on tumblr ! Mother-mercury44

Brian wasn’t aware how much of his time he spent with John until now. Just how much of this last year has revolved around his relationship with John. It’s only been a few days away from John and Brian is quite convinced it’s been weeks. Waking up in bed alone is not something foreign to him but it’s terribly different when the reason is due to a fight. Eating lunch is lonely without his favorite lunch date. Good night texts are not the same as hearing John’s voice. He misses cooking meals together and kissing the top of John’s head. 

He misses John.

A few days apart is what they need, Brian knows that. He knows they need to both calm down and take breath. Brian hates himself for losing his temper with John, even though the younger man pushed him to his boiling point. John needs a few days to process his own emotions and the events happening in his life. Everything the two of them worked towards fell apart so quickly and Brian doesn’t even know how to fix it. John’s words of ‘stop trying to fix everything’ and ‘stop trying to fix me’ rattled around his brain. His intentions were never to fix John cos John’s not broken. 

So maybe he shouldn’t worry about trying to fix it and focus on himself. Which sounds easy in theory but Brian would much rather avoid his own issues and focus on helping others instead of himself. Doing the exact thing that John says he does. Leaving Brian frustrated with himself and John for being right.

-

When Thursday rolled around, Brian couldn’t sit still all day. Just thinking about touching John and smelling his shampoo made him smile. Made him so impatient he took a half day and left for John’s flat. He wanted to bring the younger man flowers but that felt a bit wrong since they really haven’t made up. He settled on coffee’s for the two of them, Brian liked the idea that it gives him something to hold while they talk. It reminded him of when he and John first met in the support group. The two always brought each other coffee, it was sort of their thing. 

Brian smiled like an idiot in love as he walked up to John’s building at the memories of their coffee dates.

The smile turned into a frown when Brian caught sight of John standing against the bricks with a cigarette between his lips. He never saw John smoke or even knew he smoked before. Brian has always expressed to John how upset it makes him when he sees Freddie and Roger smoke. The younger man never said anything about him smoking so Brian thought it was safe to assume he didn’t.

“John,” Brian frowned, handing John his coffee. “I didn’t know you smoked.”

John took the cup with a weak smile and a shrug. His messy hair and bags under his eyes made Brian’s heart hurt a little. The younger man looked terribly vulnerable in his oversized jumper. Brian wanted to stamp out the cigarette and hold John in his arms for the next few days.

“I used to,” John explained, taking one last drag before dying it out on the side of the building. “I only quit when I was in the hospital cos I couldn’t smoke. He was the reason I quit, he’s the reason I started up again. Seems fitting, eh?”

Brian stared at his coffee before casually sipping it, it’s safe to assume John isn’t in the mood for a lecture on how bad smoking is. If this is how John is dealing with everything going, so be it.

“Here,” John said as he handed Brian the pack. “I don’t want to smoke anymore but I can’t throw them out.”

“Thank you,” Brian said as he crushed the pack, his heart rate picked up when his fingers brushed up against John’s. Like it did the first time they touched.

“You’re lucky I love you more than anything,” John smiled, their hands still touching. “I never cared to quit until I was forced to. Picking it up again was just me coping with everything and I’m only stopping cos I don’t want you to not kiss me cos my breath stinks.”

Brian smiled weakly and pulled John closer by the pack cigarettes the two of them held together. His other hand found it’s home cupping John’s face and their lips seem to follow some magnetic pull to each other’s. Brian didn’t mind the taste of stale cigarettes and coffee, John’s mouth always tastes like home and his future. 

The kiss started off sweet and chaste. Two lovers kissing after a few days apart, two lovers reuniting. But Brian needed more and he could sense that John needed even more than he did. The kiss quickly became desperate as two tongues battled it out for dominance. Brian surrendered first as always, letting John’s tongue plunge into his mouth. Which was quickly followed by John pinning him up against the brick building, hands roaming and clawing along each other’s bodies. Desperate moans slipping out and the other one swallowing them quickly. Not one part of Brian cared that someone might see them snogging, not when John slotted his leg between his two thighs. He had to use every bit of self control to stop himself from grinding down on it. 

“John,” Brian whispered into John’s lips. Doing nothing to stop John or control himself. “We should talk first.”

John nodded slowly then peppered kisses up Brian’s jaw and nibbled on his ear. “I know, I know. I just need this. Need you for a moment, B.”  
  
“That’s fine. It’s okay- fuck, John. That’s really fucking good,” Brian quietly moaned as John sucked a bruise onto his neck. He allowed himself to grind down onto John’s leg, he needed this too.

Only a few moments later did the snogging stop. Brian swallowed thickly as he took in the sight of his lover. He loves seeing John with swollen lips and blown pupils. But even more he loves seeing John smile, the little crinkles by his tired eyes make his heartbeat out of his chest. He doesn’t quite like the sadness that lies behind his eyes and would give anything to get rid of it.

“Sorry,” John said sheepishly, reaching out to hold Brian’s hand.“I know we have to talk but I just needed to know that you still love me. Cos I swear if I didn’t feel your skin against mine, I was gonna die.”

Brian stroked John’s thumb and smiled. “A bit of an exaggeration,” Brian laughed. “I’m always going to love you, even when you’re an arse to me.”

“Me? An arse? Never,” John grinned, followed by a deep sigh. “Let’s chat then.”

-

Roger and Freddie were out for the day which meant the two were able to chat in the living room. Brian wasn’t looking forward to having this discussion in John’s bedroom, their last one in there didn’t go over too well and the memory is still fresh in his head. 

Brian and John sat on the same couch but opposites ends. The passion that was shared between them only minutes ago ceased to exist and was replaced with tension. Brian watched as John played with his rings while his own leg bounced out of his control.

“What do you want to talk about first,” John asked, not meeting Brian’s eyes.

There wasn't any form of heat behind his words, his voice was sounding weak and defeated. Every part of Brian wanted to jump straight to talking about John’s ex, but he couldn’t. He knows they have to talk about everything and that bombarding John about his ex straight away probably won’t end well.

“John,” Brian said calmly, scooting over a bit closer to John. “I don’t even know how we got to where it ended. It started with you being upset over Freddie and Roger moving out and ended with me screaming about not wanting to fight. Not to mention everything in the middle and your ex. Just please talk to me. I love you, John. I love you so bloody much that it scares me sometimes.”

John curled up on the couch, wrapping his arms around his knees. His chin resting on his knees. “I know I over reacted with Freddie and Roger moving out,” John sighed. “But them assuming that I would just mosey on to your flat was rather bold of them. The worst part is that you agree with them. You don’t think I can live on my own. Shut the whole conversation down.”

“Excuse me?”

Brian mirrored John’s position and tried to read the younger man's expression. John looked a little lost in his own thoughts and Brian figured it was best to keep talking. Their last fight went a bit out of control when Brian didn’t say enough.

“I know you can afford to live on your own,” Brian explained softly. “I would like us to live together but we don’t have to. If you want to live on your own, I’ll support you. Freddie and Roger also know that you can do it. No one is against you, we’re not him. I only stopped you before you ripped Freddie’s head off. Deaky, I hate fighting. I hate confrontation. I ran into Chrissie earlier in the day and that made me feel rubbish enough. It’s just no worth the-”

“You ran into Chrissie,” John frowned. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

Brian leaned into John’s touch as the younger man caressed his face. His eyes fluttered shut as pressed his body against his own. He took a deep breath and explained what happened with Chrissie, the words felt like bile coming up. Brian felt an odd sense of relief as he spoke to John. A part of him always felt a bit childish talking about his previous marriage to John. That John had gone through the worst life has to offer and now has to listen to Brian speak about his “mean ex”. Even though he knows John doesn’t think this way, there’s always that little voice in the back of his mind telling him John is annoyed with him. Thankfully that voice is always overpowered by John’s voice telling him that he went through hell and was a victim of a hate crime. 

Instead of John’s kind words, John listened to him intensely with unshed tears in his eyes as he spoke. All worries of Brian feeling silly going down the drain. Brian let his legs fall off the couch and his shoulders slouch, John wasted no time in grabbing him by the hands.   
  
“You went through all of this and I was some arsehole who told you that know cares if you’re gay and that Chrissie doesn’t think about you. I knew it was bad but I genuinely thought she would have moved on by now. I didn’t realize how awful she was and is,” John explained, his voice cracking towards the end. “I’m so terribly sorry, B. I’m awful. I never meant to hurt you like she has. Fuck-”

Brian squeezed John’s hand. “John,” Brian started. “You aren’t terrible, I mean you have a mouth on you that needs to zip it every now and then. I don’t like fighting. I never fought with Chrissie and she would still insist on fighting. It’s exhausting. Me not wanting to fight is not cos I’m not on your side. I’m always going to be on your side and I’m going to fight for you. But I’m not going to fight with you.”

“Well I’ll try to rein it in,” John smirked, squeezing Brian’s hand back. “I’m sorry I told you to fix your own problems. I only said it cos you’re problems seemed very small in comparison to my own and I was envious. I wanted to hurt you.”

“You did hurt me,” Brian explained. “I forgive you, Deaky. I know it was said out of anger. I’m sorry for screaming at you. I knew it would upset you and I felt like a right cunt after I did it. I didn’t want to-”

“It’s okay,” John said quickly. “I provoked you.”

The two met in the middle for a couple of kisses, as if they were trying to shut each other up. It was quickly becoming a ping pong game of saying sorry. If all goes according to plan, they can spend the rest of their lives together apologizing, but now it’s time to move on. Brian knows the easy part of the fight is over and that there’s more to be said but he’s perfectly content with taking a quick time out for kisses.

“You took my offer of being there for you as me fixing you,” Brian whispered into the kiss. “I’m not trying to fix you.”

John cupped his face with both hands, their foreheads touching. “I’m fucking scared,” John said before he got up from the couch and paced around the living room. “My life took a fucking shit in the span of 12 hours. I honestly will probably struggle living on my own. My abusive ex might be released from prison in six months. These are scary things and I get to be scared.”

Scared.

Brian can’t even imagine what it’s like to be in John’s place right now. Brian’s been knocked on his arse and had to start over but he’s never been scared. He’s never had to worry about being able to afford a roof over his head. He’s never had to fear for his own life cos of another person. Running into Chrissie and being berated for his sexuality is no match against running into someone who tried to kill you after years of abuse. 

“You get to be scared,” Brian said hesitantly. “You get to be terrified and angry and every other emotion under the sun. You can scream the bloody moon if you’re that angry. You get to feel everything you’re feeling, John. I never meant to dismiss your feelings. But you have to let me in or else I can’t be there for you.”

John chuckled. “You want me to scream at the moon?”

“If it’’ll help,” Brian chuckled back. 

“I don’t know what I need or what to do,” John admitted, sitting on the coffee table. “I just need you, cos you make me feel safe. So promise me you won’t leave if my anger over this situation tries to push you away.”

“I promise,” Brian smiled. “We need to-”

“B,” John groaned. “Can we take a break? I’m exhausted from talking and my stiffy never quite went down.”

Brian laughed and allowed John to lead him to the bedroom. He has to agree with John on both accounts so he can’t complain. The two of them clearly have been touched starved from each other as they snogged down the hallway, leaving a trail of clothes behind them. It was the same desperate passion as the two shared outside but this time with no holding back and lack of clothes. 

There wasn’t a moment when the two of them weren’t touching each other. Brian let John take what he needed and Brian welcomed it. He needed this too. He let the younger man suck bruises on his body and pepper him with love bites that he soothed with his tongue right after. Brian smiled knowing the marks would be there for a while after. Brian whined wantonly into the mattress as John ate his arse out and prepared him for his cock. John fucked him into the mattress from behind, his body draped over the older mans. There wasn’t a moment that Brian didn’t absolutely love or need.

The two laid in each other arms post orgasm and continued their chat before. Sometimes they drifted off onto different subjects but they always circled back to their fight. John informed Brian that it’s important to him to live on his own. While Brian would rather much have his lover live with him, he understands where John is coming from. Brian spoke openly about his feelings while John allowed himself to be vulnerable. Brian’s heart stopped beating whenever John spoke about being scared. Every part of him wanted to be there for John and take away his pain. But he can’t and more importantly, he doesn’t know how to.

So he listened and rubbed John’s back with a soothing hand. Cos that’s all can do.

“I’m going to keep you safe,” Brian whispered into John’s hair.

“You can’t promise that,” John said quietly back.

“I’m going to try like hell.”

-

“It’s nice, right? I like it,” John stated, circling around the studio flat with a smile on his face.

Brian has many words to describe this flat, none of them being nice. The place was small, dark, and damp. He’s half convinced the walls are made of paper and the upstairs neighbors have lead feet. There’s one window with a brilliant view of the building next door. The area isn’t terrible but Brian wouldn’t recommend being out past sunset. Despite all the negative things he feels about the place, John did find it on his own and it is a place he can afford on his own. So Brian has to be supportive. Even if that means lying through his teeth.

“It’s not too shabby,” Brian lied through his teeth. “What matters is that you like it. When would you move in? I would like to take off to help you move and unpack.”

John hummed to himself. “Start of the next month.”

Brian wrapped his arms around John from behind. “Your bed would be nice in that corner,” Brian said pointing to the opposite side of the flat while trying his hardest to be a supportive boyfriend. “I already have a few flat warming gifts in mind”

“You do?” John asked, his nose scrunching.

“Of course,” Brian smiled.

John turned around completely and stood with his hands on his hips. Brian raised an eyebrow at his lover. He wanted to roll his eyes and sigh but this is John’s moment and Brian is not about to take that from him.

“I want to move in with you,” John said quickly and sheepishly. “I always wanted to but I needed to prove that I could do it by myself. And some twisted part of me wanted to make sure you truly didn’t mind me living on my own.”

Brian didn’t know what to say, he was expecting John to say just about anything else.

John hid his hands in face. “Oh fucking hell,” John mumbled into his palms. “That’s so fucked up. I didn’t even know I felt that way until you were being so supportive a minute ago.”

Brian grabbed John’s hands gently and sighed in pure exhaustion. This still isn’t about him. This is still John’s big moment. The biggest step the younger man has taken in their relationship and Brian is bloody ecstatic.

“John,” Brian smiled, pressing a kiss to John’s knuckles. “Please move in with me. I want that so bad. I want you to take over our wardrobe with those gaudy jumpers. I want to live in cheesy domesticated bliss with you. I can’t say I understand but it’s not fucked up.”

“This place is awful. I’m positive it’s an active crime scene,” John chuckled. “Let’s get out of here.”

Brian dragged himself and John out of the flat, making one brief stop to pick up a bottle of cheap champagne. Lots of good things to celebrate and lots of not so good things to drink too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading.
> 
> Thank you in advance to any kudos and comments you leave. Makes me heart happy and my ass thrives off of it.
> 
> Love you all :')  
> xoxo

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know it like this so far!
> 
> I appreciate you reading this and thank you in advance for any kudos and comments you leave. Means the absolute world and more to me! :)


End file.
